Thursday, February 11, 2010

I am a fugitive

I don't know why, but about two months ago I happened to look at my driver's license. Good thing I did, because it was due to expire on my birthday, which was last week. I made a note to get it taken care of before that, put it back in my wallet and went about my business. About two weeks ago, I saw my reminder note and sat down at the computer to take care of it. And that's when I found out that "as of January 1, 2010, Florida law requires identification, proof of date of birth, proof of residential address, and proof of social security number" and that must be taken care of in person.
I never got the memo.
Well, that's annoying but no big deal. My birthday was still a week away. I gathered up my paperwork and tried to make an appointment.
Not so fast.
My birth certificate, which came from Memorial Hospital, the hospital what birthed me and all, wasn't adequate. "A birth certificate must be issued by a government agency. Hospital birth certificates cannot be accepted."
All right, I went back to the computer to find out how to obtain a birth certificate issued by a government agency. Imagine my surprise, in the year 2010, when I can get the entire Beatles catalog, a Walter Payton rookie card and pizza from any one of dozens of restaurants delivered to my home with a sufficient credit card balance and a working mouse, that I could not request a birth certificate issued by a government agency, in this case The State of Michigan, on line. Nope! Instead I had to sit down and write a check (Jesus, do I even have a checkbook any more?) for $26 to The State of Michigan, put it in a stamped, addressed envelope (Jesus, do I even have stamps and envelopes any more?) mail it off where I presume a little old man in a green eyeshade and sleeve garters will process it, send a note via pony express rider to another office where a prehistoric bird will chisel out my birth certificate on a stone tablet and then look at the camera muttering "I hate this job" while I wait for it to be sent back to me, which is what I'm doing now, a week after my birthday and two weeks after I started this process. I'm passing the time between fruitless trips to the mailbox by praying that I don't get pulled over for something stupid.


Bren said...

LOL! Clark I just went through something similiar. I did not have change for the toll while in Boston so they gave me an envelope and told me to pay within a week. When I pulled it out to pay I found out they had no website and their was no way of paying online.I would have to write a check for 2.00, since I do not have a check I was told I could send a money order. The money order fee was like 5.00 and I never found the time to actually go out and get one. So the next time I go to Boston I may have a warrant out for me.Would their lack of technology be a valid defense for me?

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious CJ! Love the photo you fugitive1