Friday, November 05, 2010

Guest Blogger: Jessie Stehlik

Jessie Stehlik is an artist specializing in photography (she did my headshots!) and graphic design. We almost went into business together behind the most brilliant restaurant concept ever devised. That didn't work out (probably for the best). But luckily for me, it turns out that, in addition to all of her other talents, although casually oblivious to reality (her description, not mine), she is a writer. With jokes. Who knew?

Conversations with Comics.

While Clark is away doing his (insert whatever boring project yadda yadda book thing here), he’s graciously asked me if I would like to participate as a guest blogger. And BOY would I.
I’ve decided to make it my mission to really class this place up by bringing in some comedic star power, with the ultimate intention of rocketing this place up to the very top of the blogosphere, being given all the credit for it, and taking over by pure brute force and the support of my new fans.
So, with that, here are interviews with, not one, but SIX comedians. I’m not going to go so far as to say that these interviews are…*slightly*…fictional, but I’ll just go ahead and replace their “answers” with the sound that Charlie Brown’s teacher makes, so as not to be sued by their respective agencies.

First up: JON STEWART!

Me: Your recent Rally To Restore Sanity And/Or Fear has received quite a bit of press lately, with your speech in particular receiving critical praise. My question for you about that is: are you happily married?

Jon: …wah, wah. Wah wah wah.

Me: I know you’re saying yes, but it’s obvious that you mean “no.” I understand you have kids. How easy will it be for you to abandon them when we move to Paris together?

Jon: …

Okay, that interview didn’t end well, so let’s just get to the next person on my list, Hugh Laurie:

Me: I often have chest pain and arrhythmia. Do you think it could be Lupus?

Hugh: Wah wah wahwahwah wah wahwah.

Me: HA! Come on now, of course you’re a real doctor! Don’t be so hard on yourself!

Hugh: Wah wah wah.

Me: I’m sorry, your fake British accent is very distracting, what now?

Hugh: Wah wah wah.

Me: Of course it’s fake, it’s terrible.

Hugh: Wah @$%&; wah, wah @#$%.

Me: ...can I still book you for a physical?

I never said I was a journalist. In fact, the mere fact that I’m blogging is proof that I don’t have a bone of journalistic integrity in my body. Right? Am I right? Oh, come on. You know I’m right.
Nevermind, let’s just move on. Robin Williams!

Me: Hi, Ro…

Robin: WAAHAHAHAHAHHAH wah wah WAH wah WAHAAAHHAH!!!!!!!! Wahwahwahwahwah@%&$wah@#$&;wah WAH WAH!!!!!!! @#$%&;%#@$!!!!!! WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Oh, I, uh, yeah, heh, that’s....

Robin: WAH wah wah WAH WAH wah @#%$wah @&;$#@ wah wah wah!!! Wah??!?!?!?!?! WAH!

Me: Well that’s certainly interes…

Robin: Wah WAH wah!

Me: No, I didn’t know your rectum could do that. You know, I’m really sorry, but I just realized I have another interview and have to run, but it was a great pleasure to mee…

Robin: @^&;#$ WAAAH!

Next: Dane Cook

Me: Why? And please stop. You’re an insult to comics everywhere.

That’s actually the end of the interview because I stormed out upset. I’m pretty sure I caught the reflection of him humping a bar stool as I walked out.

Finally, Steve Carrell:

Me: You are, obviously, a most beloved and respected comedian who has stolen many hearts with your representation of the endearing yet obviously flawed Michael Scott. So who cashed in your soul to make you leave the show? Are you moving on to do His work – like gathering up the innocent to bring them to a fiery hell?

Steve: Wah. Wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Me: Can you at least tell me who is going to fill the gaping void of tearful nothingness that you will leave behind?

Steve: Wah Wah.

Me: oh….OH. That’s GOOD. Like, REALLY good. The show is probably going to be even BETTER now. Wow. Too bad I don’t have a public forum by which I can relay this staggering news!

(turns, looks at the camera and winks)

That’s all, folks! Tune in next week as we discuss the incredible world of broccoli!!!

Clark: *wah wah wah wah WAH wah.*

Jessie: what do you mean I’m not invited back...?


Marissa said...

Love it!

Jeff Hickmott said...

Jessie, you are brilliant.