Monday, December 12, 2011

The bachelor, his breakfast and the bigger meaning of it all

As you may or may not know, I am a single dude, currently sans companionette, due in large part to my general unlovable-ness. As such, I live alone. And this is a status update I posted yesterday via Twitter:
Being unable to find a fork didn't stop me from eating spaghetti for breakfast this morning. Single life has all kinds of pluses & minuses.

I'm not usually a big fan of my own words but I'll readily admit that this little statement pleased me. Funny, yes? But sad as well, no?
Ah, the dichotomy! The duality! The two-sided-ness! The seeming contradictitude!
You see, it doesn't matter whether or not it's mostly true (it probably isn't...kind of). It's the exploration of the wide variety of all the aspects touched on within, regarding the pros and cons of a single lifesyle versus that of co-habitation. Both have merits and drawbacks. People are attracted to one another, drawing pleasure and comfort from the company of another. Yet, they (especially men, am I right, fellas?) frequently feel the need for independence and to stray. What's right? What's wrong? Let us tally the pluses and minuses referred to in this statement for the sake of exploring and resolving this age-old conundrum once and for all, shall we?
"Being unable to find a fork..."
Okay, that's not good. It paints a picture of me owning at least one fork at some point and having lost it/them. That's not entirely true, though. While it's true that I didn't know where any forks were at the time this Tweet was originally written yesterday (also, now), I don't consider them lost. There's simply no logical reason to think they've left my apartment. In fact, I frequently steal flatware from restaurants so it's entirely likely I have many, many more forks now than I did when I moved in. It's just that I can't account for their whereabouts. When and exactly where will I see any of them again? There is absolutely no possible way on earth to even hazard a guess at the answer to that question. My faith is of tremendous comfort to me during times like these. Still, I'm willing to concede the point that if a woman lived here, the likelihood of any forks wandering off unattended drops significantly. COUPLE: 1, SINGLE: 0.
"...didn't stop me from eating spaghetti for breakfast this morning."
On the one hand, if a woman were present, she wouldn't let me eat spaghetti for breakfast (and certainly not without a fork). On the other, if a woman were present, there undoubtedly would have been other (better) options available for breakfast. On the one hand, I like eating whatever I want for breakfast and not having anybody criticize me one way or another. On the other, some sort of egg dish, perhaps an omelette, would have been nice. TOGETHER: 3, SEPARATE: 2
Let's go back to the first hand again, where I think it's indicative of my raccoon-like resourcefulness that I'm able to feed myself without the benefit of available flatware and civilized people-groceries. Why did I eat spaghetti? Because it was there...while so many other things were not. And, uhhhh, I didn't feel like starving to death, thank you very much. But with the absence of a fork, how did I eat it? Let's just say that simple machines are generally sorted into the following six classifications: lever, wheel and axle, pulley, inclined plane, wedge and screw. And that many of these simple machines can be created with various combinations of common breakfast table items like toast, butter knives, pens and fingers. For that, if anything, I should receive praise. The kind of praise that would not be forthcoming from a female roommate. So if I count up all the hands, I think that makes the score... SHACKED-UP: 3, LONE WOLF: 3.
Well, I guess this issue is far too complicated to be settled within the confines of an admittedly well-crafted Tweet of 140 characters (I told you it pleased me) or even the ramblings of a pointless blog post (this, eh). That's a shame, as I was hoping to settle it once and for all, at least for the sake of gay people who can now get married but haven't screwed up their lives yet.
Sorry, gay people. I have failed you yet again.


ronnyelliott said...

Very funny and terribly poignant. I can't vote for crying.

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