Why I'm probably doomed to be single

This is an example of what you're going to find at OKCupid Enemies, a Tumblr site that highlights some of the most...interesting...profiles found on OkCupid, which bills itself as "the best dating site on earth". In case you can't read the caption attached to this photo of a shirtless young man named Chad wearing a visor upside-down and backward while sitting on a garbage can, it says...

"My name is Chad, aka "The Alphabet". That is because I am the "alpha" male, and you can always "bet" on it."

See what Chad did there? Of course you do.

Here's the thing, though: I can't top that. I can't even compete with it. Presented as it is here, and on the Tumblr site, it comes off as an incredibly moronic thing to say about oneself and the natural instinct is to mock Chad and all the other people using online dating services like this as socially maladjusted dimwits. But I know people who've met and formed great relationships, including successful marriages, online. I can't mock proven results. I can't even mock anyone wanting to give it a try, even if their attempt is less than graceful. After all, what picture of myself would I throw out there that would be better? This?

Right.

And what clever turn-of-phrase could I craft that would draw the eye of an interested female to me from the likes of Chad? Put a gun to my head right now and I can't think of a single thing at all. I'd probably just rip off Chad:

"My name is Clark, aka "The Periodic Table of Elements". That is because I "period"ically have to be asked not to hang around that picnic "table" near the playground at the nearby "element"ary school."

That...is horrendous. As the youngsters say, I got no game. It's not that I've ever had a problem with being able to talk to women, as in have a conversation, but I've never been able to talk to women, as in "Hey baby, lemme talk to you". I lack the slickness required for that kind of predatory pursuit of female companionship, I guess. The phrasing of that last sentence should drive that point home pretty effectively, actually. 
So rock on, Chad. And all the rest of you online daters. Don't let anybody on Tumblr give you any shit. There's someone for everyone, right? If you find someone special, it doesn't matter how.

They look so happy together!