Monday, October 21, 2013

A ridiculously inconsistent guide to the World Series

In case you're not a sports fan, you are probably not aware that something very important is about to happen: The World Series. This is a seven-game series to determine the world champion of all the baseballs. That means we will know who the best baseball team in the world is and that team will be allowed to have free french fries for a year! Again, if you're not a sports fan, I'm here to give you everything you need to enjoy this grand spectacle.

Our two combatants are the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals.

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: I have been to St. Louis once, to serve as a groomsman in my friend Jenniffer's wedding. During the reception, one of the other groomsmen, a bridesmaid and I snuck out and went to Ted Drewes which is a place that serves frozen custard and is a St. Louis landmark. There, we ran into a bunch of Cardinals fans who were celebrating after attending a playoff win over the Colorado Rockies. They were cool. We had fun.
WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE BOSTON RED SOX: Red Sox fans are assholes. The only fans worse are those from Philadelphia. At least Red Sox fans are people. Rude, obnoxious, stupid, marble-mouthed drunks who talk like they've suffered a head injury and only cheer for their teams when they're winning, but people.

WHO WILL WIN? If there is a just and merciful God, not the Red Sox. I mean, I hope the Cardinals do.

FUN FACT: The Tampa Bay Rays, a wildcard participant in the playoffs (in spite of spending a mere fraction of what other teams do on payroll) but not going to the World Series, again, are a team full of charm and personality.

FUN FACT: Some of the Red Sox players grew beards.

FUN FACT: There is actually a secret law that prohibits teams from Boston and Philadelphia competing head-to-head for championships in any sport because that many assholes in one spot at the same time would be really, really bad. The Eagles played the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX only because Super Bowls are played in neutral sites attended exclusively by high rollers and actors who just happen to have a new show that will be cancelled within six weeks on the network broadcasting the game. Not enough Boston and Philadelphia fans are able to get time off from their jobs of vomiting on children to travel to New Orleans or Miami to create that much of a noticeably more negative impact on those hellholes.

FUN FACT: I hate Red Sox fans.
FUN FACT THAT ALL SPORTS FANS ALREADY KNOW: Broadcasters are trained to hate your team. Here's what it happens in their secret meeting before every big match-up in every sport:
NETWORK GUY: Don't forget to say only negative things about (your name here)'s team and only positive things about the opponent.
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Got it. Because taking a bias and sticking to it regardless of what actually happens during the game is the best way to drive consumrs to our sponsors.
NETWORK GUY: It's the only way!
COLOR GUY: Excuse me, how often should I say something wacky, archaic and/or borderline offensive?
NETWORK GUY: Why don't you fire one off now?
COLOR GUY: (sighs, puts on deliberately tacky sportscoat and a silly hat) Jumpin' Jackie Robinson, the Negroes in this league just keep gettin' better and better!
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Ha ha! Classic!
NETWORK GUY: Aren't you forgetting something?
COLOR GUY: Oh yeah. (clears throat) Budweiser me!
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Ha ha! Never gets old!
COLOR GUY: (to himself) I was supposed to die some time during the '70s.

FUN FACT: The eventual goal of every sports broadcaster is to stick around long enough to turn into a clown, a beloved catch-phrase spouting buffoon who is a caricature of the professional broadcast journalist he was at some point in his life, hopefully with side gigs playing an even more cartoonish version of himself in video games and movies while also shilling appeteaser specials for a national chain of horrible neighborhood-style tavern/eateries.
 There are, of course, notable exceptions

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