Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy Holidays... Go!!

Today (Wednesday) seems like a Friday. Tomorrow will feel like a Sunday. A couple of weeks ago, time changed from "normal" to "feeling like bed time at 6pm". No wonder we all lose our minds so easily starting Friday; the government has manipulated our basic sense of time and space! We're disoriented and as a result, much more vulnerable to hoovering up all the food and kitchen appliances and food and booze and games and food and video games and booze and food and food. We live that way for just over a month until the end of the year, when we have one final blow-out binge before snapping out of it in time to pay coherent attention to college football and the Super Bowl.
In the mean time, don't schedule any meetings, don't expect to finish any major projects. In fact, don't expect to make any real progress on anything important at all. It's Crazy Time and everyone is too busy hating their families, hating shopping, being sick of holiday traditions while trying to spend as much times as possible with their families, buying all the shit and wearing ugly sweaters and singing Christmas songs to get actual stuff done. Accept it, surrender to it and let it wash over you. Shhh. Don't fight it and it will all be over soon.
And while you're waiting, contemplate this:
"Welcome to Dierberg's. First day on the job, huh? Yeah, we hire a lot of people around this time of year. It's because we seem to have a lot of turnover in this department around the holidays for some reason. Seems we no sooner hire someone than they're shooting themselves in the face or jumping off a bridge in front of a train. Weird. Anyway, you'll be starting out like everybody else does; preparing these 'holiday meals for one'. I don't know why we put that special designation on the sticker. Probably so that couples and families know not to pick them up. We're saying, 'Hey, put that down. That's for single people, spending the holidays alone, not for you!'. That's my guess.
What you do is stand here and fill these plates with a single portion of turkey, sole scoop of dressing, lone helping of sweet potatoes, an individual container of cranberry sauce and a solitary scoop of mashed potatoes with one pat of butter on top. Take special care to make sure the individual foods stay within their seperate areas on the plate. Don't let them touch or have any contact with one another whatsoever. Put the lid on, sealing everything off from the outside, and slap the 'holiday meal for one' sticker on there. Then put it in the cold, dark, lonely cooler, all by themselves. Go ahead and get started on that; I just had this overwhelming urge to stick my head in an oven, so I won't be back. Good luck!"

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Oh my garage. Clark. Will you PLEASE come to Christmas Dinner at my house this year. It will be a wonderful time.