Friday, November 22, 2013

The ongoing search for humor in socially awkward situations

When you're invited to an event where you're going to be uncomfortable because the people who are hosting the event really don't like you (I mean, they used to, kind of, but then there was a thing and then some other stuff, none of which was that big a deal, but in terms of the whole situation, now you kind of have to question if they ever liked you at all, something you're inclined to do anyway, and the signs all point to "probably not" and so now it's weird and whatever and your presence will probably make them just as uncomfortable, in which case, why did they invite you?), but you still feel obligated to at least make an appearance, one way you can try to deal with it is by taking a fake date with you. A fake date gives you a variety of built-in excuses to duck out early.
"Sorry we can't stay but Brianna has to catch a flight back to Europe in the morning."
They don't know for sure that you're lying because they don't know your fake date and/or how serious your relationship is. Where does one find such a suitable fake date? I don't really know but I tried placing this ad on Craigslist:

Seeking short-term companion - m4w - 49 (Tampa)
So there's this art thing in Ybor City tomorrow (Thursday) night that I have to attend because people I know will be there. However, I really don't want to go because people I know will be there. I think I can get away with popping in for just a few minutes and then popping right back out, but that would be a lot easier if I have a date with me. I asked the girl that I liked and she said no, a decision I respect as I understand and accept that I'm making kind of a dick move here. I mean, I think I'm a pretty good person but this is admittedly not my finest hour. As a result, I'm turning to alternative resources (Craigslist) and I'm looking for a nice lady who is:
* Classy (It's not a formal dressy event at all but it's possible to be classy and casual, in spite of what you might see on a trip to WalMart.)
* Age appropriate (I'm 49. Let's say you're between 38 and 55. That sounds good, right? I'm sure there are some lovely, classy 24-year-olds out there but this isn't that kind of event. Look for my ad next time my high school reunion rolls around.)
* A good actress (You may have to hold my hand, laugh at something clever I say and generally pretend like you enjoy being in my company. How are your improv skills?)
Plus, it wouldn't hurt if you're a knockout. I mean, this isn't about showing off but while we're at it...
WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU? Look, we'll be there for 20 minutes to a half hour tops. Afterward, if you like, we can get something to eat in Ybor, my treat. In other words, this is your chance to live out every girl's fantasy (since "Pretty Woman" came out) of being a fancy prostitute without all the (money) nasty, degrading (money) and/or illegal (money) stuff (and money). If you're interested in this kind of temporary, harmless deceit for fun and not profit (it's pretty important that you understand that I won't be paying you any money), please email me and we'll take it from there. Cool?

It didn't work (I got zero replies) but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea.

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