Friday, May 08, 2015

You gotta (Hulk) hand it to me

Oh, you look nervous.
Is it my hands?
Yes, the rumors are true. I can't and won't deny it any longer.
I have Hulk Hands

I'm not going to live in shame anymore. I shouldn't have to and I won't. I am still a valuable, functional member of society and I can do anything I set my mind to (well, maybe not most guitar chords). The world is just going to have to deal with me on that level.
Gosh, I'm brave!
So, so very brave
Don't get me wrong; life is a struggle sometimes for me, a struggle to which most of you can't possibly relate. All I can do is the best I can do. For example, the other day I was at a local restaurant and I simply could not peel the wrapper off of a straw. A waitress observed what I was going through and came over to help me. She did it out of pity for me and my affliction. But I don't want her pity. I want her Goddamned respect!
That, and an order of curly fries. Thanks.
Speaking further to what a valiant, brave individual I am, I "came out" with this announcement at work on Tuesday.
SUPERVISOR: Clark, do you have a second? I want to...
CLARK: (Folds Hulk Hands and rests chin on them) Yes?
SUPERVISOR: Okay, what's with the hands?
CLARK: You mean my... Hulk Hands? (pounds Hulk Hands on desk, in a disproportionately 'pleased-with-himself' manner)
SUPERVISOR: Terrific. Why?
CLARK: Why? Ask God that question. I do. Daily.
SUPERVISOR: Did God tell you to buy them at Target yesterday and then wear them to work today like some kind of jackass?
CLARK: Maybe.
SUPERVISOR: Okay, great. How about you take them off so we can have a serious conversation for a minute?
CLARK: Oh sure, just take them off! Wouldn't that be wonderful? I'm sure that a miracle like that would serve no greater purpose in your mind than to make you feel less uncomfortable. "Take them off", she says! I'll bet you'd just looovvve that. Well, it isn't going to happen, all right? This is who I am now; I am an individual with Hulk Hands!
CO-WORKER: Hey Clark, do you have Hulk Hands?!
CLARK: Yes, Steve. Yes, I do.
CO-WORKER: Awesome! Smash something!
CLARK: (sighs) It's not enough I have the inherent difficulty of trying to struggle through day-to-day life with this cursed affliction but I also have to deal with these ridiculous stereotypes? What kind of unenlightened, hostile workplace is this??
CO-WORKER: Come on, just smash something.
CLARK: (sighs again, crushes Coke can)
SUPERVISOR: Well, all right then. I'm going home now.
Some people just can't handle it. Me, I have no choice in the matter. These are the (Hulk) hands I was dealt.
Damn, I am SO brave!

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