Friday, August 21, 2015

Seeing Red

Recently, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced the launch of "RED: The Buccaneers Women's Movement"...
"A bold, new movement aimed at changing the way female fans connect with their home team and own their individual football experience is sweeping across the Bay Area and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are leading the charge. RED is a movement that will be led by the women of Tampa Bay, alongside the Buccaneers, to become innovators and leaders in changing the way football is enjoyed by women. All women of the Tampa Bay Area are invited to join the movement and help usher in an exciting, new era for female fans across the region. RED will provide female Buccaneers fans with year-round educational experiences focused on providing a better understanding of the game, along with unprecedented access to their favorite team. In addition, RED will re-invent the female fan experience by providing insight into topics such as: what goes on behind the scenes on gamedays at Raymond James Stadium; how to maximize their gameday experience; how to blend personal Buccaneer pride with the latest NFL fashions; as well as tips on sharing their experiences and ideas via social media platforms such as Pinterest.
RED members will also have access to exclusive networking events throughout the year designed to encourage interaction while providing practical advice on how to express their love for the Bucs into original design projects, fashion-forward team apparel and creative culinary creations."
Squeeee! Football!! Right, gals? Let the Bucs "re-invent" you and your silly girl-brain by enhancing your "fan experience" with wine, fashion tips, recipes and, if time allows, football!

Taking you from this...
Pictured: Actual woman preparing to throw actual football
To this...
"Um, like, we were promised wine?"
And ultimately to this...
"Bitch better have my casserole"
If, as a female football fan, this is not what you're looking for when it comes to "changing the way football is enjoyed by women", I am offering an alternative program and here it is, in its entirety (sorry, no articles on what a "play clock" is)...

Rouge: Getting The Ladies Up To Our (Men's) Level
(in terms of NFL football only, of course)
Here's all you ladies need to do to in order to be as knowledgeable on NFL football as any male fan:

Level 1, During the preseason *:

  1. Pick a player (doesn't matter who or what position)
  2. Proclaim "(Player you picked) looks good out there" or "...looks like crap out there" (Doesn't matter which. Alternate between them on a daily basis if you want)
  3. Refer to what you just said as a "break-down".
  4. Level 1 complete!

Level 2, During the regular season *:

  1. At some point, say "This defensive unit isn't playing as well as it can but they're showing signs of coming together". You can say this at any point during the season, regardless of your team's record at the time.
  2. Level 2 complete!
Level 3, During the postseason *:
  1. Whether your team makes the playoffs or not, say "I think we're really set up to make a serious title run next season".
  2. At a Super Bowl party, say "Who cares who wins? The commercials are the best part of the whole thing"
  3. Follow that immediately with "Of course, the commercials aren't nearly as good as they used to be"
  4. Level 3 complete!
Level 4, during the off-season, prior to the draft *:
  1. While discussing the upcoming draft strategy for your team (or every team, for that matter), say "I know they have pressing needs elsewhere, but they gotta look at an offensive lineman"
  2. Level 4 complete!
* = Whatever you do, do not post this on Pinterest. In fact, don't even mention that you have a Pinterest account.

Congratulations! Welcome to male-level NFL expert fandom!

1 comment:

Spike on the Mic said...

Damn... Those Levels are Spot on...