Saturday, July 22, 2006

Welcome To Rupert's! (cb:2006)

Howdy folks and welcome to Rupert's Real Pit Bar B Q. I'm Rupert, no relation, and I'll be takin' care of you folks tonight. Can I start y'all off with somethin' to drink? We got sweet tea in hot, medium or hot. And by sweet tea, I don't mean the powedered stuff that comes in a can you find at your local electrically lit and indoor plumbinged supermarket. Nope, this is the sweet tea we brew over a blazin' fire back in our unventilated kitchen that's about the size of your suburban, pantywaisted bathtub, mister! Comin' right up! Now, how's about an appetizer, a little somethin' to get that fire in your belly burnin'. Like to try our famous Cheese Bucket? This ain't like your limp-wristed fancy-pants fondue you find downtown. No siree! This here's exactly what it says it is: a big metal bucket filled up with cheese that we put in a furnace at 850 degrees for a half hour and bring straight out to your table, just a-boilin' and a-bubblin'. We give you a big tray full of chicken hot wings for to dip into it. You know the scary part? The whole thing weighs about 19 pounds and I ain't never seen somebody not finish it. After that, we move on to the real reason you came here, barbecued meat! Am I right? Beef, chicken, pork, fish, ham, porkchops, bacon and pork all slathered up in about a gallon of Rupert's, no relation, own special Louisianabama pepperfire sauce. And I ain't here to talk to y'all about no wimpy-ass metrosexual barbecue like y'all are used to eatin' in the city where the spirits of honest men are crushed in the pursuit of the almighty dollar and everyone dies alone. Hell no! I'm talkin' about a down home, honest-to-goodness, unique blend of 77 herbs and spices, all derivatives of different breeds of cayenne peppers and genuine grade C napalm left over from Vietnam. This here's some serious kinda hot that'll peel the skin from the inside of your mouth from just gettin' a whiff of the noxious fumes seepin' out the kitchen. Goddamn, son! Y'all are gonna want a side of our flame broiled cheddar-breaded jalapeno coleslaw to go with that.
All right, y'all take a minute to figure out what size ice helmets you'll be needin' and I'll be back in a jiffy with your sweet tea and Cheese Bucket.

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