Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Team Daddy-O Alley Katz

I am the captain of a Relay For Life team this year. We’re calling ourselves ‘Team Daddy-O Alley Katz’ and our theme is retro bowling. I know, right? Someone actually appointed me to a position of leadership and responsibility, which is about as likely an occurrence as seeing the Hamburglar profiled on America’s Most Wanted. Well, actually, it’s not like I’m completely unqualified. I am sincerely committed to the cause, which is raising money to find a cure for cancer and eliminating it once and for all. I don’t want to just defeat cancer, I want to defeat it and humiliate it in the process. I want to pull down cancer’s pants and make crude, derisive comments about its genitalia. I want to give cancer a swirly in front of all the other diseases. I want to date cancer’s mom just so I can steal all her money, call her a bitch and tell her to go make me sandwiches. So obviously my heart is in the right place.

I’ve taken to my role as team captain and have done my best to motivate my team. I assured them of my sincerity and dedication by telling them that I had already gone so far as to have written “CAPTAIN” on the waistband of all my underwear…in Sharpie. But working with volunteers is a challenge at times. It’s hard to make demands of busy people who are doing stuff for you in their spare time. I have to remind myself to be patient and encouraging when things aren’t moving quite as quickly as I’d like. And actually, our team is doing pretty well so far. But it takes effort to come up with ways to keep everyone interested and enthusiastic without being completely obnoxious about it. I have little doubt that many of them will no longer want to speak to me when it’s all over. I’m basing that on the fact I have no doubt that I’ve already been so obnoxious that some of them don’t even want to speak to me right now.

Relay For Life isn’t really a competition per se, but teams do challenge each other to do a good job as a matter of pride and in the interest of pushing each other to raise as much money as possible. When it’s over, the American Cancer Society recognizes the best teams’ efforts with trophies and prizes. So screw what I said before; it’s totally a competition.
There’s a team in our Relay that’s been at it for years and they win a majority of the awards every year. I’ve decided that I hate them. In my mind, I consider them smug know-it-alls who act like they invented cancer just so they could raise funds to eradicate it and make me feel inadequate in the process as a bonus. Now, you don’t have to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling this way. I’m already fully aware that resenting a group of people for effectively raising funds to combat a horrible disease is about as reprehensible an act as you can think of. I’m ok with it though, because I want to win trophies and prizes. Besides, it’s not that I don’t want them to raise a lot of money; I just want my team to raise more than they do. So as I was sitting around tonight trying to think of new ways to try to motivate my team, it occurred to me that I should use this unjustified hatred to our advantage and pass it along to the people on my team. I wonder why I haven’t thought of it before; exploiting people’s healthy desire to see their like-minded peers re-cast as severely defeated opponents is not only natural, but repeatedly proven to be a highly successful tactic! Hmm, I think I know why I was selected to be captain…
Anyway, if you’d like to learn more about Relay For Life and contribute to our team’s efforts, I've put yet another link to the site right here.


Kristen said...

Please, sir-

Next time you decide to post a highly offensive rambling regarding a highly emotional subject, please have the decency to remember that lives are destroyed by this terrible disease. As you so eloquently stated- we are working together "to celebrate survivors, remember those lost to cancer, and to fight back against this disease".

While your efforts and sentiments are shared by many, your lack of tact in communicating your message is despicable. Your slanderous approach to attacking another team is both asinine and reprehensible. We are all on the same team. Please remember that, sir. Your message regarding how many ways you would like to "kick cancer's ass" would have been far more powerful a statement had you avoided the sophomoric comments regarding "a competitor"...

We did not recently begin our journey to beat out "competition". Our journey began long ago, as each one of our lives and the lives' of our loved ones has been greatly affected by this horrible thing that we know as cancer.

On- Kicking CANCER's Ass.

Kristen said...

On a side note: I do find your writing and sense of humor highly entertaining... and I am not being sarcastic in saying so.

Why, it's Clark! said...

I am sincerely sorry that the post offended you. For what it's worth, this was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek self-parody in which I attempted to make myself the object of any ridicule, fully acknowledging that resentment of another team trying to raise funds to fight cancer is irrational and reprehensible. I'm very sorry if I failed to communicate that effectively.
In actuality, I deeply respect and admire you and your team's hard work and success in this ongoing struggle and am 100% committed to supporting anyone's effort to fight this horrible disease.

Jason Carter said...

You good sir are a fantastic writer and charismatic leader of your team as it seems. Assuming that you might or might not be talking about a team I might hold near and dear, we welcome your misplaced yet very humorous attempt at angry competition.

While your team is not too far behind us as of now, I'm afraid you have awoken a slumbering giant. I believe your posting might have just had a negative impact on your team as it has essentially enraged a large majority of our team. So Thank you, Mr. Angry Post Team Captain man, you might just be voted MVP of the week of our team.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Jason (and Kristen, belatedly), thank you for the kind words!

I know at the end of the day, you guys will once again finish well into five figures but if my asinine commentary riles somebody up and results in even a single additional nickel contributing to the cause, I'll take it all day long.

Dianne Reeger said...

OMG...I had to go pee before I read anymore of your I didn't wet myself. I agree wholeheartedly with Jason...your writing is genius. And yes, the majority of my team are female...and now have their panties in a wad and are hell-bent on coming out on top. And the men are gunning for you too!'s going to be a pleasure to meet you...and whoever comes out on top (ahem...Team Go Go) we will both have done an incredible job at Kicking Cancer's Ass or in your words "Giving cancer a swirly in front of all the other diseases."