Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dream jobs

Hey, do you ever think about what you would do if money and insurance weren't important and you decided to chuck your job and just do something you think would be easy, kind of fun and you might be good at it? I know I do. All the time! Not because I hate my job or anything. Sure, it's a relentlessly soul-crushing cycle of mindlessly banal and ultimately insignificant chores that reduces me to something less than a human being who thinks about death a lot but I really enjoy it. I'm talking about sheer escapist fantasy. Because let's face it, these days you're not going to just quit an established job, drop out of the career chase and try to make it on your own individual talents, unless you just happen to be The Most Fearless Person In The Whole Wide World.

But if I could just fart around all the time doing whatever I want and worry even less about my obligations than I do now, here are three things I would probably try:

1. Limo Driver
Talents required: Ability to drive a really big car, gift of gab, familiarity with where stuff is and how to get there.
Pluses: Get paid to live vicariously through people partying their brains out, good hours (usually free during the day time), cash tips.
Minuses: Wearing a suit, cleaning up after assholes (puke) while wearing a suit.
Why it probably wouldn't work out: "Hey, folks? Excuse me. Can I get your attention for a sec? Listen up back there, please. Thank you. I just want you to know that I'm pulling over and you have to get out. Yeah, seriously. All of you, right now, get out. Just get out, right here, on the side of the road. Please. I'm really sorry about this. No, I am serious. Hurry up. I'm sorry, but you insist on playing that godawful Soulja Boy song and I just, you know, I just can't have that. What? Yes, I already told you I'm totally serious. No, you're right, it's probably not the worst song ever made but it's close enough and somebody has to draw a line somewhere, you know? So get the fuck out. Right now. Yeah, I know it's prom night and I know your dad already paid for four hours. Don't worry about it, I'm giving you a full refund, in cash. Have fun or good luck or whatever."

2. Busboy (at a nice place, like a country club or really good steakhouse)
Talents required:
Ability to pour water, fold napkins, set & clear tables and carry dishes without breaking too many of them.
Pluses: I already have experience (back in high school), free meals (whether management knows about it or not), free booze (ditto), cash tips. And at age 44, I would most certainly be Lord of the Busboys.
Minuses: Wearing a ridiculous uniform, cleaning up after rich, sloppy assholes while wearing a ridiculous uniform. And I'm 44.
Why it probably wouldn't work out: I'm 44.

3. Hot Dog Cart Vendor
Talents required: Ability to make change, extensive knowledge of condiments. That's it.
Pluses: Plenty of fresh air, good hours (usually done for the day after lunch), cash tips.
Minuses: Inevitable health problems due to prolonged exposure to hot dog water.
Why it probably wouldn't work out: I have a severely low tolerance for weenie jokes.

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