A short conversation about birthday presents

"Here you go. Happy birthday!"

"Thank you! Oh, it's a bag from Hallmark!"

"Yeah, they have some really clever greeting cards there."

"There's no...there's no card in here."

"Yeah, I couldn't decide what kind of card, you know? Funny or sexy or sexy funny. And when I get stuck, I just cop out and go the gift certificate route. It's easy."

"You got me a gift certificate? For a card? I have to go get my own birthday card?"

"Well..."

"Wait, this isn't even a gift certificate. It's a coupon."

"Yeah."

"For 50% off..."

"Right."

"...purchases of $25 or more."

"Uh huh."

"What could I possibly spend $25 on at Hallmark?"

"You...could buy a whole bunch of cards..."

"Wow, what could...what could be worse?"

"Umm, look down at the bottom there..."

"Oh wait. It's expired. Beautiful."

"Sometimes if you talk to a manager, they'll extend the deadline. Like a grace period."

"It expired in February."

"I know."

"February 2004, to be exact."

"Oh. What? Oh yeah. I didn't even see that. Well, we could maybe, you know, take a pen and try to make the four look like a nine."

"I'm...just astonished. This is beyond thoughtless. Thoughtless means lacking thought. This is actually thought-minus. As in, if consideration were a checking account, you'd be overdrawn right now. You'd be racking up huge penalties and fees and your picture would be posted all over town."

"You're right. I can't even deny it."

"I mean, I have always been able to count on you to give me the most unique gifts, all the time, without fail. When other people get me boring, mundane things, I know you will never fail to surprise me. But this...this just blows me away. It's easily, easily, by far, the worst present I have ever received."

"I have to admit, you're right."

"So what I'm saying is...you've truly outdone yourself this time! Thank you! I love it!"

"Hey, happy birthday! You totally deserve it!"


(Happy Birthday, K)