Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Time to alter some states

Alaska and Hawaii both became states way back in 1959, the last states that were added to the union. We could have included the currently unincorporated territory of Puerto Rico at some point but nobody has been able to come up with a cool looking flag with 51 stars. They keep getting stuck on three rows of 17 stars or 17 rows of three stars. So instead, we just say "the United States and Puerto Rico", like we're the Justice League and they're our teenage sidekick. Scrappy Doo to our Scooby, as it were.
I think that's a shame. Maybe we can get around this problem by adding some new states or reconfiguring some old ones. We're due to expand anyway. Here are some ideas:

Here's a way to add a brand new state and solve the illegal immigration issue at the same time. Citizens living in Mexasifornia would be free to travel throughout the United States, just like all American citizens. That way they can work in other states, doing the jobs that the rest of us don't want to do, and then return to their home state at night. As time goes by, if the state needs more room, we just sneak out every couple of years and move the stakes a few inches. As long as we're careful, Mexico probably won't even notice for a while. Alternate name: Nuestro secreto pequeño sucio

This is a no-brainer. Everybody knows that what is called Michigan's upper peninsula should already be it's own state. For one thing, people who live there don't even consider themselves part of the state below. Largely because they (like all reasonable people) don't want any association whatsoever with Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and because they can't do that thing where you hold up your hand to show people where you live:Where does Michigan get off anyway? Look at the upper peninsula; if it's anybody's, it's Wisconsin's! But the people there have suffered enough without that. Let's give them a break and make them their own state already. Alternate names: Canadabama, Wisconstantinople or Snowmobileapolis


The way it is now, there are too many borders in too small an area. On one run to Wal Mart, you can go back and forth between Texas and Oklahoma four or five times and not even realize it. Nobody needs that kind of aggravation. Besides, doesn't one more somewhat-rectangular state right there just look like it fits? I know people in those two states don't always get along but just because they would live in the same state doesn't mean they couldn't continue to despise one another. Alternate name: TwisterTown


When we bought Alaska and Hawaii, the original owners threw in a whole bunch of tiny islands, all of which are probably the same size as Rhode Island and bigger than Washington D.C., whatever that is. I wouldn't make each of them a state. that would be ridiculous. But how about making them one very spread out state? Or at least two directionals, since we already have multiple Carolinas, Virginias and Dakotas. Alternate name: Confetticut

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