Wednesday, August 06, 2008

You can't say that on television. Apparently.

If you've ever watched television after 11:00PM, you have probably seen a commercial for a product called "Extenze". In spite of what is depicted on the box seen here, it is not a drug designed to help you put on your Capri pants and rescue virginal maidens from drowning in shallow surf. Although, if it actually performs the function that it claims it does, it would be easier to do so because it would provide a strategically located third point of support, redistributing the weight of the victim proportionately, and thus easing strain on the shoulders, arms and neck as well as the lower back and lumbar regions. But it ain't back medicine. Nope, it's a male enhancement product! (Sorry ladies) So what does that mean? And how does it work? Heck, I don't know. Who cares? I have the maturity level of a 13-year-old which means I'm just here to ridicule the commercial. Let's watch together, shall we?



0:13 "A capsule that makes a man larger" - Awesome! Sign me up!
It's a childhood fantasy straight out of Marvel Comics! I'll be a living, breathing man-monster. Rarrgh!





0:19 "...men of all ages all over the world" - Wait a minute. If there are already millions of these men out there, how come I haven't seen any? All I ever see are regular size dudes. Maybe they've all been relocated to Monster Island where they spend their days pitched in epic battles for island supremacy. Hmm, sounds kinda gay. Maybe I don't want to take part after all.





0:26 "...increase the size of that certain part of the male body" - Ohhhhhhhhh! I see where they're going with this. They're talking about the penis. Yep. That's what they're driving at. It doesn't make the whole man larger, just his penis. So they're equating the man himself with one particular organ. Okay, I got it. That kinda seems like a sales pitch that is liable to appeal only to those who are deeply insecure and self-conscious who would probably benefit more from some kind of counseling. But what do I know?





0:28 "It's not a gimmick. It's real science." - Well, duh. You can tell it's real science because we see scientists with flasks, beakers and lab coats, hard at work. Apparently in one of the hidden labs on the Death Star.


0:29 "Hello, I'm Dr. Stein" - Hello, Dr. Stein. Say, where do you work?


0:30 "...The Stein Medical Institute" - Of course. How silly of me. The Stein Medical Institute is located right here in Tampa, which is something I honestly didn't know before I sat down to write this. Now I'm sure it's fantastic and totally legit!


0:42 "...that certain part of the male body" - It's a good thing we all know what they're talking about because they never say it. I would wonder if there are people out there thinking that all the hard-working medical professionals at The Stein Medical Institute are spending all their time genetically mutating men's elbows but I'm too busy wondering why at certain hours I can watch the hilarious Louis CK call his four-year-old daughter an asshole on Comedy Central but a doctor can't say the word 'penis' during the commercial break.


0:56 "...we're going to give you a week's supply absolutely free" - Wait, how much do I need? A week's supply isn't enough? How long do I have to take this stuff? If you stop taking it does it shrink? If so, this is the only pill in the world where if you neglect the regimen something very serious can happen!


1:15 "You know; male enhancement" - Okay, now it's getting ridiculous. If you and your significant other can't even use the word 'penis' when you talk to each other, your relationship has problems that can not be solved by anything that comes in a box.


1:43 Man On the Street interviews - There are only four possibilities here:
  1. The producers have stalked clients so they could confront them on camera, a breach of doctor/patient confidentiality that I sincerely hope Dr. Stein would not endorse.
  2. There really are millions of men using this product, making it relatively easy to find some of them randomly walking the streets, eager to endorse the life-changing miracle capsule.
  3. "Honey, you know how badly I want to be on television. Let's go over there and talk to that professional photojournalist in the low-cut halter top with the microphone labeled 'SEX TALK' and favorably answer whatever questions she asks."
  4. It's all bullshit.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's comical how our society has taught men that they have to have a big penis or else they are simply inadequate. And having their female companions with their comments must further validate this assumption. Gosh, though, why don't we ever hear of a pill to make that certain area of a woman's body smaller and tighter? Maybe that's the real problem?!

Anonymous said...

There's something sick about these 3 "doctors" from the Stein institute or whatever, a former porn star and a snake-oil salesman making quick bucks off gullible people. Kinda comical, except just sad.

Extenze said...

t's comical how our society has taught men that they have to have a big penis or else they are simply inadequate. And having their female companions with their comments must further validate this assumption. Gosh, though, why don't we ever hear of a pill to make that certain area of a woman's body smaller and tighter? Maybe that's the real problem?!
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