Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Clay Aiken is gay!

Ok, everybody just remain calm. All is well. Most of us knew this was coming and we have a plan in place. If everybody sticks to it, we should be able to keep casualties to a minimum. We are going to address the two groups of people that this announcement affects...

GROUP A: PEOPLE WHO ARE CLAY AIKEN - Mr. Aiken, the relevance of this declaration to you and your personal life is self-evident. Therefor, you really don't need to be here for this. Congratulations! or Rock On! or whatever sentiment is appropriate under these circumstances. Seriously, go forth and enjoy life. Thanks.

GROUP B: EVERYBODY ELSE - All right, there appears to be more people in Group B than Group A so we're going to need everyone to quiet down and pay attention. Please take a second to look at the following three categories and identify into which one you fall:

  1. WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN OR ARE NOW ENGAGED IN A ROMANTIC AND/OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAY AIKEN
  2. MEN WHO HAVE BEEN OR WILL BE ENGAGED IN A ROMANTIC AND/OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAY AIKEN
  3. NONE OF THE ABOVE

If you do not fall into the first two categories, you are ineligible to give a shit. Positive or negative, pro or con, it doesn't matter because it's none of your business and nobody cares. Nobody needs your shit. We have too much shit as it is. So keep your shit to yourself because we are not going to take your shit. Thank you.

(Note: we did give momentary consideration to including a fourth category, WOMEN WHO WERE HOPING TO BECOME ENGAGED IN A ROMANTIC AND/OR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAY AIKEN AT SOME POINT, SOME DAY. However, rest assured that Mr. Aiken's announcement has absolutely no affect on the likelihood of your intended desires ever being realized, so feel free to continue maintaining your pointlessness.)

5 comments:

The Mayor said...

hahahaha
I knew it.

Gadzooks64 said...

He he he!

File me under category Z: Those that have never, nor will ever, care.

KTHXBAI!

Anonymous said...

As a gay man, I found this blog post to actually be very sweet, in spite of the snarkiness. If the Christians who are always going on and on about that Golden Rule they supposedly hold so dear had this attitude, the world would be a nicer place.

Denise said...

How much attention to I dedicate to celebrity-centric pop culture? I just found out Clay Aiken came out by reading your blog, Clark.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Then you're gonna love what comes next, Denise...