Monday, September 15, 2008


I know from feedback that I've gotten over the years that posts about sports are not among my readers favorites. And I know that even among those who do enjoy sports that absolutely nobody cares about somebody else's fantasy sports exploits.

That said, let me tell you about my fantasy hockey league.

Unlike most fantasy sports, where a comprehensive knowledge of a wide variety of statistics and the ability to analyze those statistics in order to forecast future performance is of vital importance, there is only one stat that matters in our league: penalty minutes. Very simply, teams that win are those that have the most guys breaking rules and getting caught doing it. Actually, this year we wanted to include goaltenders so we're also tracking losses by goalies. It's still all about rewarding bad behavior (Losers = Winners!). I just think it's beautiful that the best thing that can happen is for two guys on your team to get into a fight with each other. That's a minimum of 10 points right there. My team, the Wimauma Surf Midgets, had a good regular season but choked big time in the playoffs. Fine time for a bunch of grown men to suddenly start minding their manners.

Pictured here is our championship trophy, the Thugly Cup, unofficially sponsored by Prairie Belt Smoked Sausages in a can. You can learn more about potted meat products (and other ill-advised dollar store purchases) here, after which I think you will have a deeper appreciation of the spirit of this particular league. In case you're wondering, yes, the sausages are still in there. I offered to empty the can when I took it to the trophy shop but the lady said not to worry about it. She was awfully casual about it. Apparently this was not the strangest trophy she's ever made. This simultaneously disappoints and intrigues me. I may need to do some research.

Anyway, we still have open slots for new teams. If you're interested in owning your very own team of cement-headed goons, taking a stand against Lady Byng and everything she stood for and maybe getting your greasies on that sweet, sweet trophy, let me know.

BONUS: Here's a close-up picture of a can of Prairie Belt sausages. There's an awful lot to love about it but I think my favorite thing has to be the "serving suggestion". Yes, the manufacturer suggests you serve them in a pile on a tiny plate with a side order of Jerry Mathers head. Magnifique!

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