Phone Phollies, Chapter 1: The Selection Process

It seems like everybody I know has a "smartphone", in particular the top-of-the-line iPhone. I've been limping along with my old phone for some time now, and being the only person in a group without something can be not-so-great sometimes ("Hey everybody, let's play the most fun game in the whole world on our iPhones! Oh wait, I forgot, Clark doesn't have one. Never mind. Stop having fun of any kind whatsoever." By the way, l frequently feel like I inhibit people's fun when I'm around. It goes a long way toward explaining why people don't have me around very often). So while my old phone was performing adequately, I kinda wanted a new one, the same way poor people kinda want a Mercedes (Another by the way; have you ever noticed how the people who say things like "money isn't everything" are people who have lots of money? If I ever get rich, I'm going to get the most obnoxious luxury vehicle I can find and have "Money Isn't Everything" painted on it, so everyone knows how grounded I am). I mentioned this to someone and they said "When was the last time you got an upgrade?" "I don't know. It's been a while." "Like, two years?" "Like, five." "(said as though we were talking about how long it had been since I washed my testicles) Yeah, you should definitely check into a free upgrade." Guess what? When you go five years without upgrading your phone, your options for doing so are extensive. I had at least 40 different phones to choose from, all free. I was drawn to the Blackberery, specifically the Curve 8520. I mentioned this to people and got a wide variety of very strong opinions. Americans feel about cell phones today the way I imagine they did about cars in the '50s. "Oh, you'll love it! Those are sweet! Fast, sleek, solid. They can do it all." "Pieces of shit. I had one. Didn't like it at all. Unresponsive to my commands, slow. You'll regret it." People who have never voted were beyond eager to share their views with me on why I was making the best or worst choice of my life. Well, it's a known brand name, I did my research, I received (more than) enough feedback and it's listed as $350 retail value for free. I'm getting a Blackberry. Smartphone revolution, here I come, bitches.

Tomorrow: Chapter 2: The Wai-aiting is the Hardest Part