Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A scientific breakthrough!

By now, everyone has heard of The Snuggie (or The Slanket, which is supposed to be a contraction for "sleeved blanket" but sounds to me more like a contraction of the words "slut" and "skank"). And by now everyone either has one or has made fun of it or both. Currently, I am on the outside, making fun. That doesn't mean I don't like The Snuggie and wouldn't want one. Au contraire. I think they're fantastic! I would love to have a blanket with sleeves. And that was before I learned just how adaptable these things really are. Behold...
(NOTE: The model's head has been removed from these photos at her request, not because I am a bad photographer. When I cut someone's head off in a photo, like I always do whenever strangers stop me in the street and ask me to take a picture of them, it's 100% intentional. No, this model had some concerns about discretion in regards to photos of her appearing on the internet, particularly on this blog, which I totally understand as she is completely naked underneath The Snuggie you will see here. Completely. Totally. Naked. So it's out of respect to her that I honor her concerns about discretion and cut her head off her naked body.)

First, some background. Here we see The Snuggie, being used as the manufacturer intended. Arms in the sleeves, front covered, backside open. "That's stupid," some of you people say. "You can get the same effect by wearing a plain old robe backwards." No, you're stupid, some of you people. You can't get the same effect with a robe and you will see why in the next photo.

See? A Snuggie is cut differently than a robe is. If the model were wearing a regular robe her business wouldn't be all exposed for the world to see on the internet...that is if she were completely, totally naked like she told me she was. Damn it.
Now, getting back to the task at hand, revealing the startling new breakthrough mentioned in this post's title: this is not it. This is wasting the sleeves of a perfectly good Snuggie by using it as a plain, dumb old blanket. Don't do that. Same rule applies to Snuggies that applies to shirts: God gave you sleeves, USE 'EM!
No, the exciting breakthrough is revealed in the next photo. Behold...
Blanket With Sleeves? More like Blanket With Pant Legs! Slanket? More like Blants! BOOM! That's your mind, being blown. This is what I do, folks. I find mind-blowing science breakthroughs and bring them to you. I'm more than a scientist, I'm someone who studies scientists. I guess that makes me a scientologist. You're welcome.

No comments: