Monday, June 13, 2011

Help me to help you to help me

Yes, I know.
You're welcome.
Hi. So we've known each other for some time now. Or maybe we just met. Or not even, not yet anyway. Doesn't matter. I guess you know I kind of like you and I think you feel the same way. Or maybe not. At all. Regardless, the point, I feel so vulnerable, opening up like this to you, but...well, I think I'm ready to start sending you pictures of my penis. Because that's pretty much the best idea I've ever had and also it's how things work these days...except when it doesn't.
Amazingly, the unsolicited penis photo-sending efforts of high-profile individuals like Brett Favre and Anthony Weiner have yielded sub-optimal results. In an effort to avoid similar circumstances, I have devised a comprehensive survey that will gauge the best way to suit my needs as well as yours, the unwilling future recipient of pictures of my penis. Please fill it out at your convenience and I'll be seeing you...or more accurately, you'll be seeing me...real soon!

Please select the response with which you MOST agree:

1. I like to receive and view pictures of penises:
a) very much!
b) very, very much!

2. When I see a picture of a penis, I tend to:
a) fall in love, forever and ever.
b) totally understand that the penis may belong to someone who is already in a committed relationship, although it's kinda complicated, and that's okay, because I understand completely and I would never, ever, ever, ever say anything because I'm not some crazy bitch with a big mouth trying to ruin somebody's life.
b) show it to my friends who are more attractive than I am whose names and email addresses are __________________________________________________________________.
c) lose it.

3. The way I like to receive pictures of penises is:
a) via Text message
b) via Email
c) in a hand-carved wooden frame, delivered to my home address, preferably during dinner
d) All of the above

3A (answer only if you selected text message or email) The loud music that accompanies the downloading of a file that contains the pictures of a penis that will play very loudly and not turn off until the WHOLE file downloads to my device that I would most enjoy is:
a) European techno
b) Spanish bullfighting
c) Cartoon sound effects (boi-oi-oing!)

4. I would like to receive:
a) one picture of a penis every day
b) 15 pictures of a penis every day
c) one picture with 15 penises every day for 15 years

5. Viewing pictures of a penis would be even better if the penis were:
a) wearing a sombrero
b) festively adorned with a string of Mardi Gras beads
c) classy, with a top hat and a monocle, a silk scarf and a cane
d) incorporated into the logo of my favorite sports team

6. Underpants?
a) Of course not
b) Incorrect 

7. Picture of penises can be improved with:
a) sepia tones, so they look old-timey and nostalgiac.
b) black and green accents, like in 'The Matrix'.
c) informative captions that illustrate the origins of certain nicknames.

8. A special quality I look for in a penis is the ability to:
a) whistle
b) time travel
c) take pictures of other penises

9. When I wake up every morning, my first thought is:
a) another day, another penis!
b) rise and penis!
c) here come the penises!

10. My favorite Super Bowl memory is:
a) Brett Favre wins Super Bowl XXXI

b) Bruce Springsteen, close-up, Super Bowl XLIII

c) Anthony Weiner XL

1 comment:

Jeff Hickmott said...

There is one reason that pictures of penises tend to yield less than perfect results: most penises are, well, ugly, let's be frank. Bad design. We have been stitched up by the Creator, big time. The only guys with good looking schlongs work in porn. And even then, not all of them. Only the black dudes and the gay dudes. Oh, and Peter North. Most of your average schmoes have, well, average looking dicks. Except me. And Clark.