Monday, August 08, 2011

Dr. Science debunks the solar system

There are a lot of people who call themselves scientists who would like you to think that they have some idea of what they're talking about. Every single one of these people are full of crap.
Hello, I am Dr. Science and I am the king of all the scientists on Science Island. I have neither the time nor the level of insecurity to justify screwing around in a laboratory, gathering data and conducting experiments. When I need some new science, I just go out and make it. That's how we all do it on Science Island. If a colleague has a difference of opinion, we settle it with a fistfight, not by wasting valuable time consulting one another and staring at a bunch of boiling beakers. Think my methods are flawed? Take a look at the invisible Triceratops chasing tennis balls in my backyard and ask again. That's just how we roll on Science Island. 
I'm here because people are still making a big deal about Pluto no longer being a planet and I'm sick of hearing about it. "Oh, ha ha ha", they (you) say. "You're small and insignificant and no longer a planet. Sucks to be you!" And while it's true, Pluto is no longer classified as a true planet, the fact of the matter is it never should have been. Further, that happens to be the case with most of the so-called "planets" in the so-called "Solar System". I will pause for 30 seconds to allow you to collect the pieces from your now-blown mind.

All set? Okay then. Let's start by taking a look at the word "system"...
sys·tem/ˈsɪstəm/ [sis-tuhm]–noun: An assemblage or combination of things or parts forming a complex or unitary whole.
What exactly about the "Solar System" is complex? Nothing. When you break it down, there are only two places where anything important ever even happens: 1) The Sun - comprised of heat and light, this is the geographic center of the universe and the life-sustaining shimmering orb around which all other bodies within the "Solar System" revolve and 2) The Earth - where we invent everything and win all the sports championships.

Suck it, Mars.
Oh sure, not all of them are completely worthless; just most of them. Let's take a look, case-by-case.

Small, fast, hotter than hell. The planetary equivalent of Rosie Perez. Cute, but not a planet.

Venus IS a planet, in that it meets the criteria of there being life on it. In this case, millions and millions of beautiful women, who occupy themselves by tending to their lingerie farms and waiting for scientists to build a space vehicle capable of travelling from Earth to there. Hold on, dollfaces. I got a lot on my plate but I'm working on it.

Of course it's a planet because of course there is life on it. They're called Martians. Hellllooooo? Ever heard of them? Orson Welles and Bugs Bunny have been dealing with them since the '30s for Pete's sake. Pay attention in class, people, and I won't have to keep coming back here to explain this stuff to you. Martians pose the biggest threat to us on Earth but have so far failed in their attempts to engage us in combat because their spaceships are so stupid looking and all of their weapons are different types of anal probing devices.

Look around you right now and spot the biggest thing near you. Without even knowing what that thing is, even if it's a dump truck, I guarantee you that Jupiter is more than 10 times bigger than that. It's also abandoned. Which makes it pointless and something of an eyesore. We could blow it up and put four or five more Venuses in it's place. But the Martians would love that so we're not doing it.

When you're sitting on hold doodling, if you start doodling things in space, you will undoubtedly doodle a Saturn. That's because of the ring that surrounds it, which is admittedly, bad ass. But that's all it has going for it. It's like a Ford Pinto with an exceptionally nice hood ornament. You're trying too hard, Saturn, and it's embarrassing.

Did you ever have a kid in class that had a funny name and everybody picked on them because of it? No fault of the kid's; it was their name! What could they do about it? Nothing. But because of that and that alone, that kid became the outcast and the target of bullying even by other kids who were bullied. Nothing could save that kid from having an absolutely miserable childhood. Even if that kid moved away, there's no doubt the exact same scenario would play out again and again, and that kid knew it. In the "Solar System", that kid's name is Uranus. And for Uranus, it doesn't get better.

Oh hey there, Neptune. Guess you thought nobody noticed you sitting way back there, minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing worthwhile. But Dr. Science did. Oh yeah, I noticed. I noticed how lame you are! "But..but", you meekly protest. "I'm not lame; I'm named after the Roman god of the sea!". Oh, so if the "Solar System" was the Justice League of America, you'd be Aquaman, the lamest member of the Justice League? What a pathetic argument. You sicken me, Neptune.

So there you have it. Basically, the mighty, vaunted "Solar System" is a sun, three planets and a bunch of big, dumb moons.
You're welcome.

Dr. Science

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