Monday, October 03, 2011

Get back or get a head

If you watched ABC's 'Good Morning America' last week you might have learned about the latest hot trend in plastic surgery, what's being called "The Pippa Butt Lift". Inspired by Pippa Middleton, Kate's sister, and how smokin' hot she looked at this summer's Royal Wedding (a brief aside: DAYUM!!), it's basically a procedure that involves liposucking fat out of your body where there's too much of it and re-injecting it into another part of your body that needs a little help. In this case, into your pancake-flat white girl booty. Well, there's more to it than that, but that's the short version.
This is, of course, excellent. Finally, science has done something worthwhile! It's a form of recycling and who's to say that we shouldn't be able to re-zone our property and re-distribute the ASSets (see what I did there? Wordplay!) as we see fit?
I'm all for it! I've been thinking about it, and I think what I'd like is some fat sucked out of my butt. Not so much that it loses it's shapely charm but enough to create a second, somewhat smaller novelty head which would then be grafted on to my back, between my shoulders, right behind my current head. This is officially the best idea for cosmetic improvement I've ever had, topping the one I had of having a more handsome person's face tattooed on my face and even the one I had of having my own face tattooed on my face, but slightly off center in the hope that The Blurry Look would eventually become popular. But a second head is infinitely more practical, just from a security standpoint alone. No more sneaking up on me! Granted, second head may not always care for the view, especially when attending a movie or concert or sporting event:
"Hey, what's going on up there? This sucks. I can't see a thing."
"Shut up, fat head. I'm guessing your view is about 100% better than it was a week ago when you were in my butt."
Of course, there would be no retort to that because every single word of that sentence would be true. And that's how I like my supplemental body parts; not running their mouths...even if they have one.

No comments: