Monday, October 10, 2011

Why this generation of Americans sucks

The other day, I was at the local K-Mart. On the way out, I glanced at the coin-op vending machines near the exit doors and saw this...
Tabletop footballs? Pre-made and for sale in a machine? Cripes.
There are so, so many things wrong here, so many things symptomatic of what is wrong with us as a society.
Let's start with the fact that tabletop football, like the wildly popular sport of NASCAR, has roots in illegal activity. The original stock car racers were bootleggers, running moonshine and trying not to get caught by the law. The original tabletop football players were juvenile delinquents, goofing off during class and trying not to get caught by teachers. I suspect in the case of tabletop football, that's still probably the case. Nobody ever played it at home. Why would you? In my day (I'm very elderly, as clearly evidenced by the phrasing at the beginning of this sentence), if you were at home and wanted to play football, you went outside and played football.
    Or maybe this.
Now, I'm sure kids that want to play football at home fire up their Xbox or whatever home video gaming system is currently popular (again, I am very, very elderly). Either way, kids don't play tabletop football at home any more than criminals spend all day lifting weights when they get out of prison.

"I'd rather be raping"
That's because tabletop football was/is something to do when you're not interested in participating in what you're supposed to be doing. My point: Why is the NFL encouraging delinquent behavior? Tabletop football in social studies class today, boosting stereo equipment to feed a meth habit tomorrow. Thank you, corporate sponsorship!
Secondly, a store-bought tabletop football, with or without an NFL team's logo embossed on it, is equal parts pathetic and ostentatious. Have we just accepted the notion that kids in other countries are so fundamentally superior to ours that we've just given up? Forget math, spelling and science; American kids are so stupid that we don't think they're capable of figuring out how to fold a piece of paper into the shape of a triangle. Screw it, we're Americans! Even our poor people still have enough money to spend some on stupid shit. We'll just go to the store and buy one...which was probably made in one of the countries where the kids kick our asses.
Third, there's the unnecessary, gratuitous use of profanity to promote the sale of these things.

Oh, wait. It says "FLICK it", not...never mind. Hmm, I wonder if there's one with a Buccaneers logo in there?


bronsont said...

Roll on the Floor Laughing my ass off! As one of our friends would say McSnort™

Unfortunately, there is more than a grain of truth in this post.

Thanks for sharing.

Jeff Hickmott said...

Well, Clark, all I can say is, we've had a tabletop soccer game here in the UK for as long as i remember, one in which one 'flicks to kick', I'm talking about Subbuteo. It is even referenced in the Undertones' 1979 hit 'My Perfect Cousin'... "he always beat me at Subbuteo, cuz he flicked to kick and i didn't know". Perfectly legal tabletop footy, played at home. Weird how some people even wanted that game for Christmas. Ah well. We Brits are a strange lot.