Friday, November 11, 2011

Guest Author: Marissa Rapier

Today's selection comes to us from America's heartland, specially prepared by The Pride of Kankakee her own self, Marissa "Miss Riss" Rapier.
I've had a crush on her for years now. Is it because she digs the '80s? Is it because she has what the young, sassy folks call "attitude"? Or is it her impeccable taste in flashy eyewear? Probably a combination of all that and some other stuff (I will admit to having a thing for girls who wear glasses though). You can see much more of what Marissa has to offer at Marissology, her site.


Meandering with Marissa


What an honor to be asked by Clark to contribute to his blog. Wow! Initially, I told him that due to my recent affection for snapping photos of the terrifying public here in Kankakee, Illinois, that I’d center my post around the sights of my Midwestern village. However, the freaks haven’t been cooperative. Maybe the snap of cold weather has caused them to retreat or cover up. I bet the folks in Florida get more than their fair share of overexposure, eh?


Just last night I was taking a stroll around the mall on my break (I work as a lab manager for a major optical company). My Droid was charging back at the store so the heinous vision of a pregnant woman wearing what appeared to be a child size t-shirt and sweatpants tucked beneath her about-to-burst girth could not be captured on digital film. What a disappointment. The corneal scaring it caused gets lost in translation.


Want to know something else that annoys me about fashion trends other than pregnant women letting it all hang out by refusing to purchase maternity clothes? That is women who appear to have NO clue about their coin slot being exposed when they bend over. You know what I speak of, right? Low-rise jeans are fine and dandy if the right size and cut is worn … and you never squat down or bend over. I’d like to reintroduce the body suit aka the adult onesie as prevention for what was once frowned upon and known as plumbers crack. At least put on a thong and amuse us with whale tail, will ya? In my humble opinion, a butt crack is a butt crack no matter if it belongs to a man or woman; chubby or thin. Cover it up!


Whoa, are you folks in luck! Since photos of wackadoos of Kankakee weren’t procured, on a whim, I took a drive to the park where many of my childhood memories are fondest. The neighborhood has changed fairly dramatically as it was once where the affluent citizens of Kankakee resided. My family of 8 kids didn’t live there, mind you, but it was within walking distance. Well,1970s walking distance. I am not so sure kids of today would take a 10 block stroll to play tennis. Now, it has become a reasonable place to live and the majesty that once was has vanished. Cobb Park is nestled along the Kankakee River.


Did I lose you yet? Hang in there.

A few years ago, my fair town (county) was named THE worst place to live in America. As a result, David Letterman made a big spectacle of it on his show and graciously donated two gazebos so Kankakee could claim the title of “Home of the Twin Gazebos.” On my little cruise around Cobb Park I snapped a photo for your viewing pleasure:




I cannot confirm or deny that the child in the gazebo wasn't part of the donation. A David Letterman love child?



Whilst cruising the area, I spied a house with a sign on its porch. Like a beacon it cried out to be photographed. Do you think it lights up at night and shines into the neighbor’s front windows? Would a special permit be required for such a thing?




This home is located only a few blocks from the Letterman gazebo. Do you think the residents are merely grateful that Kankakee County is no longer the worst place to live? Or does it go much deeper than that. Yeah, it is probably the latter. Still, I think there might be a classier way to let Jesus know you love him. Say, donate 10% of their income to the 700 Club.



A handful of movies have been filmed in part here. Heck, Keanu Reeves allegedly rented porn from a local video store when he was here filming "Chain Reaction." Totally a claim to fame better than being mentioned in an Arlo Guthrie tune or sung by Groucho Marx in "At the Circus." I'll stop because it's unfair of me to make you woeful that your town isn't as fantastical as mine.

4 comments:

Michele said...

I agree about the jeans. the showing of skin and it is all too much info. How about a little mystery everyone!
Thanks for a fun post. Oh yes, the sign...interesting...and thank YOU again!

Marissa said...

Hey, Michele!
Thanks for commenting and giving me support on the butt crack issue.
My town, like many small towns, is interesting and full of fashionably challenged folks.

Cat said...

great post! Thanks for the smile.

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