Monday, November 14, 2011

Guest Author: Ruprecht

Today's post is courtesy of the mysterious and irrepressible Ruprecht. When he's not mentally torturing the citizens of California (Honestly, haven't those poor people suffered enough? No? Well, carry on then) or making up words (which is downright irresponsiclous) he's authoring two blogs,"Rupe's Value Added Services" and "F(STOP)" and contributing his views on what's good and bad about television at "Clique Clack". And yet, he still found time to share some material with us here. Isn't that nice? (Just smile and nod; it's best not to provoke him).

Well ... I stepped out of my mind for a moment (it wasn't too painful) and wondered: What should I write about? Something entertaining? Engaging? Interesting?
  • How 'bout my world famous Cup 'O Meat? Not only scrumptiously delicious, but exactly what it sounds like. (And yes ... it must be eaten from the cup. Duh. It's in the name.)
  • How 'bout the time I was 10 times more annoying silent than when I was free to say whatever I wanted during that Saturday night poker party? (A friend turned to me and asked if I could just shut the #%$*@! up for a couple hours. I did. She got so annoyed and disgusted with me being quiet - gesturing during every single hand instead - she stormed out of the house, dragging her husband with her. Good times.)
  • Or ... how 'bout the "exploding house of Italians" birthday event? (The house survived. Barely. The bar-be-ques used to cook for everyone, on the other hand, did not.)

So many to choose from. Decisions ... decisions.

I figured I'd go with the Darth Vader Cheez-Its test.

At a party one night, a bunch of us were waxing poetic about life, liberty and the pursuit of whatever we happened to be thinking of that week. At some point the Coke / Pepsi debate came up for the 1,000th time. Naturally, some Bozo decided a bonafide taste test was in order. Several of us decided to put our taste buds on the line and our money where our mouths were.

Now understand: I haven't lost this particular bet yet. I can identify Coca Cola over Pepsi each and every time. Why? Easy. Pepsi tastes like mold. It's that simple.

One guy I hadn't met who had imbibed a little more at the party than was probably good for him (along with Coke and Pepsi during the challenge) came up to me. He glared with eyes rapidly on their way to bloodshot: "You think you're show schmart, don'tcha?! Tell you what ... I'ma gonna challenge you to sumpin' else ... and I'll beat'cha at it, too! Name it, pal! The choice is yoursh!"

Huh buoy. Here we go. I thought I'd make it interesting.

"Cheez-Its," I said.

"Wha ... ???" was his reply.

"Cheez-Its. Cheez-Its snack crackers." I explained. "You see ... the ones that come out of the Darth Vader box are infinitely superior than regular Cheez-Its. Why don't we see if you and I can differentiate between the regular ones and the ones infused with The Force."

My "friend" was skeptical. He looked left, looked right, then said: "Let's do dis thing."

"Tell me how you want to work this," I asked "Blotto".

"Breast 5 out of 7 takes it!" I was informed. "And no Jedi mime tricks, either!"

"Works for me," I responded looking at the ceiling and trusting myself I could get out of the situation without anyone getting hurt.

Several close friends set up little miniature cupcake liners filled with 3 Cheeze-Its each. They had written on the bottom of the liners which ones came from the Darth Vader box, which ones from the non-descript box.

With the both of us wearing blindfolds to make things that much more difficult, we went back and forth identifying which we thought were which. Random bunches of Cheez-Its - in no particular order - were given to us for identification.

When it got to the point where I had recognized every single Cheez-It container correctly (4 out of 4 guessed right) and Blotto was at 1 of 4 correct guesses, he emphatically reminded me we were doing "the best 5 out of 7". At the next correct guess on my part (and incorrect guess on his), he threw in the towel.

"I don' know how you do it," said slowly and with a few Cheez-Its still crumbling around in his mouth. "Mebbee you got that Dart Vader Star Wars Force or sumpin' ... Jew cheat?" he asked.

"No," I explained to him. "It's just the ones coming from the box with Darth Vader on it taste better than the others."

"Thatsh impossible to determine!" he protested, waving me away and plopping himself in chair in the corner. He promptly fell asleep 5 minutes later, grumbling to himself.

You think I'm kidding? Give them a try ... that is if you can still find a Darth Vader box of Cheez-Its around somewhere.

................. Ruprecht (STOP)


Marissa said...

Cheez-Its rock! Yum. I've yet to encounter Darth Vader variety.
mmmmmm Darth Vadery darkness.

Jeff Hickmott said...

Unfortunately we cannot procure any kind of Cheez-Its here in the U of K. I miss 'em. Phooey.

Ruprecht said...


Hit me up with your address and I'll take care of you.

Why, it's Clark! said...

I'm so glad this site is finally realizing its true purpose: a place where individuals can connect and exchange salty snacks.

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