Friday, August 24, 2012

Uncle Mortimer's Whiz-Bang Follies!

"Uncle Mortimer's Whiz-Bang Follies!" was a radio program during the 1930s that taught children that all problems could be handled with an ignorance of basic scientific principles coupled with a healthy dose of intolerance and a 'can do!' attitude. It was eventually cancelled due to being "simply awful" but has since come to be regarded by some as "ahead of it's time". Here's a transcript of an episode that was originally broadcast on August 24, 1934.

UNCLE MORTIMER: Gee, Tommy. You look glum. 
TOMMY: Gosh Uncle Mortimer, I ever so am!
UNCLE MORTIMER: What's the matter, chum?
TOMMY: Well, there's a real pretty gal in my neighborhood, and I felt like I wanted to have an orgasm inside of her, so I did, and now she's pregnant!
UNCLE MORTIMER: That's terrible, Tommy!
TOMMY: Don't I know it!
UNCLE MORTIMER: Did you rape her?
TOMMY: Of course I raped her!
UNCLE MORTIMER: And she got pregnant anyway? Hmmm. That's odd.
TOMMY: I just don't understand how this could have happened!
UNCLE MORTIMER: Maybe she mistook your raping for love. Was she ugly or obese?
TOMMY: Ugh! Are you kidding? Nobody ever rapes girls like that! No, she's beautiful.
UNCLE MORTIMER: Good boy! I suppose it's possible she wanted to get pregnant and is trying to trap you. Maybe she's a whore? A diseased, filthy, rotten, stinking, lying, no-good, gutter whore?
TOMMY: Gee whiz, Uncle Mortimer...
UNCLE MORTIMER: Answer the question, Tommy.
TOMMY: Well, she dresses nicely, so yeah, I guess she was kinda asking for it.
UNCLE MORTIMER: That could be it then. Still, this is definitely an aberration...
TOMMY: Golly, Uncle Mortimer. I know I'm not ready to be a father but I don't think I'm comfortable with that.
UNCLE MORTIMER: Ha ha! Not an abortion, Tommy, an aberration. An aberration is an irregularity or deviation, and it's symbolic of some type of disorder.
TOMMY: Oh! Like negroes playing baseball?
UNCLE MORTIMER: Well, kind of, although that's actually more like an abomination. The important thing is you have nothing to worry about. You didn't mean to get this whore pregnant so it's her problem, not yours!
TOMMY: The thing is, Uncle Mortimer, I kinda like this whore and she's even more upset than I am! I don't know what I should do.
UNCLE MORTIMER: You should advise her to start smoking lots of cigarettes. The last thing that unacknowledged bastard child of yours needs is a nervous whore of a mother. The calming properties of tobacco can help with half of that problem. The main thing you should do is stop raping her. Can you do that?
TOMMY: I-I think so. She should be big and fat in a couple of weeks.
UNCLE MORTIMER: Well, you're only human, of course. Do your best.
TOMMY: Gee, thanks Uncle Mortimer!
UNCLE MORTIMER: You're welcome, Tommy! Now, what do you say we take a shower together?
TOMMY: Um, I guess so...

Tune in next week for Uncle Mortimer's Whiz-Bang Follies!, when Tommy has something to tell Uncle Mortimer...

TOMMY: Hey Uncle Mortimer! Guess what? I just found out my dad is half Jewish!
UNCLE MORTIMER: Get the hell out of my house. 

1 comment:

ronnyelliott said...

Damned fine show. I remember that episode.