Sunday, March 25, 2007


I bought one of those crazy vibrating razors recently, although I'm not sure why.

That is, I know why I bought it; because now that The Big Companies know that all of us are on to their eight hot dogs / twelve buns in a package swindle, they've changed their bait-and-switch tactics to the shaving game. They make hundreds of different razors and blades, none of which are compatible with each other. They look almost identical, and you're pretty sure they're the ones that go with your particular razor but they're just different enough to not work with anything other than it's own particular brand and model, which is not yours. And since returning an opened package of razor blades is harder than returning an opened home enema kit (trust me), you wind up just buying yet another new razor. That's why I bought one.

What I don't understand is why vibrating is good for shaving (if you know, don't bother trying to explain it to me; reasonable explanations based on thought and logic are completely lost on the likes of me). You'd think when you're maneuvering a piece of steel that's..well, razor sharp...across your face, it's steadiness you'd want, not vibration. It's just one of several things I don't understand about shaving, such as whose bright idea was it to sharpen a hunk of metal and drag it across their face in the name of fashion in the first place?

Anyway, I thought advances in shaving technology were limited to increasing the sheer number of blades involved. In the old days, you had one (1) blade that shaved the hair off your face. Then in the 70s you had the dual blade system where the first blade would hold the whisker up while the second one came along and chopped it off, sort of like an illegal chop block in the NFL. Now, the first blade gives the whisker a dirty look, the second one throws a rock with a note tied around it through the whisker's window as a warning, the third blade roughs up one of the whisker's family members, the fourth and fifth blades jump the whisker in an alley one night, the sixth blade is up state doing a four year stretch for B & E, but it never said anything about that whole mess down by the docks and we appreciate that. Blade seven is the one that actually takes the whisker out, blade eight disposes of the evidence and blade nine, he don't do nothin', but is there to make sure nobody else does nothin' either, capiche? That, plus vibration, is how you shave these days.

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