Thursday, May 29, 2008

So apparently I have a Sam's membership

I was going through some mail the other day and I had a letter telling me my Sam's Wholesale Club membership was due to expire at the end of June.
I don't have a Sam's Club membership. I haven't even been inside of a Sam's Club in years, and that was with somebody who was a member. What gives?
So I took the letter to my local Sam's club warehouse, went to the customer service desk and said "What gives?". The guy behind the counter said "You have a Sam's Club membership. It's going to expire in about a month. Would you like to renew it now?" Hmm, just like the letter says, as though I'm a complete moron who has some limited ability to understand simple word and phrases but only if they're repeated very s-l-o-w-l-y. So I asked him what kind of membership I had and how could I have gotten one if I hadn't visited a Sam's Club within the last year, eh smart guy? He said, "It looks like it was a special promotional offer. You don't remember signing up for it?" At that point, something dimly flickered in the back of my brain and I did vaguely remember attending a volleyball tournament where I filled out some sheet on a guy's clipboard for some sort of giveaway. Could that have been it? "Yeah", he said, "in all likelihood, that was it." Ok, so maybe I am a complete moron. Who knows what else I've signed up for out there? I asked him what I needed to do, and asked him to explain it very s-l-o-w-l-y. He told me to pose for a picture on the ID card (that will be void in about a month) and I was all set. And he was right; I was all set about 45 seconds later and headed out to explore the wonder that is Sam's.
I know there are a lot of people out there who don't have wholesale club memberships, but have probably heard about them. If you're one of those people, you probably envision some kind of bulk shoppers paradise where goons at the door keep out the riff-raff while members, on the other hand, are greeted warmly and given white silk robes to wear so they can browse the aisles in regal, flowing comfort. You probably think there are mountains of MP 3players with long winding rivers of peel-and-eat shrimp. Motor oil, bacon, books-on-tape and #10 envelopes! All you want!! Giggling handmaidens lounge languidly around reflecting pools full of barbecued meatballs. They're there to help you find the frozen lasagna or push your Escalade-sized shopping cart for you or give you a pedicure. Shhh! Look over there and you'll see a unicorn frolicing near jars of mustard bigger than your home. Looking for "Iron Man" on DVD? Yes, it's still playing in theatres but you're a member! Robert Downey Jr. himself is here autographing copies. Enjoy, my friend! Flat screen televisions cost a quarter each, hot dogs and buns are available in the same quantities and you can get a new pair of glasses and a complete set of whitewalls in under 30 minutes. Well, I'm here to tell you it isn't exactly like that...but it's pretty damn close. I mean, you would not even believe how much kitty litter I got for less than $10.


Gadzooks64 said...


I love me some Sam's Club.

It's addicting really.

Polish Dog! Get one!

P.S. First rule of Sam's Club: tell everybody!

P.P.S. Check out the Auction section of the website. Some suhwheat deals there.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Polish Dog, huh? I'll check it out the next time I go there (AKA: tonight).

Kelley O said...

would that be the lovingly remembered AVP volleyball tournament? I vaguely remember people (all my staff) getting little chairs or something from Sam's...didn't realize you got a free membership or I would have signed up!

Wildhair said...

I once road a frolicking unicorn. Or at least he said he was one. Who knows after 5 double shot tequila margaritas.
No SAM'S Club here, but I've been to one. Its an evil place. Trickery with smoke and mirrors, I tell ya.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Kelly O: A-Yup!

Wildhair: A-Yup!