Monday, April 04, 2011

Muffin update: bloody hell

(WARNING: You might consider the following to be gross. I am not going into gory, graphic detail, but still; pretty gross) Yesterday (Sunday morning) I came across the aftermath of a fight, where one of the participants somehow got seriously cut and decided to use the tactic of spraying his own blood at his combatants and horrified onlookers. There was blood everywhere. This made me think of two things:
First, there is apparently A LOT of blood in a human body, more than I would have previously guessed. Because on first sight, I assumed the bleeder was dead and he was not. I will probably not freak out the next time I cut myself shaving and it won't stop right away.
Second, I don't pretend to be some kind of macho man, great fighter person (I haven't fought anyone since I was much younger, and even then, it was infrequent). I prefer to get by with a menacing physical presence ('m a big dude and I can glare like nobody's business) and by fighting dirty, based on the premise that if a situation is ever serious enough to force me to engage physically with someone, there is a lot more at stake than honor and sportsmanship and I would prefer to end the conflict as quickly and decisively in my favor as possible.
Seriously, who has time for this?
As such, I only really know a few fighting techniques (again, all dirty) and I can honestly say that using my own blood as a weapon would not be among the first thoughts to go through my mind. In fact, this is the list of thoughts that would go through my mind (sorted accordingly) if I found myself wounded during a fight, resulting in my own blood shooting out of my body like a geyser:
  1. Oh shit.
  2. That's my blood, on the outside of my body. This troubles me in that I would prefer that it were still inside of my body.
  3. I would like to take steps immediately to make sure that more of my blood does not come outside of my body, please.
  4. Oh shit!
  5. Wait. Any chance that he's bleeding and not me?
  6. Nope. That's definitely my blood. He appears to be fine, relatively speaking, by way of comparison.
  7. Oh shit!!
  8. If I apologize right now, I wonder if he would drive me to the hospital.
  9. Probably not. I wouldn't if I were him.
  10. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.
I won't run down the whole list but we'd be well into the thousands before "Ah ha! The fool has unwittingly unleashed my secret weapon!" would pop up. Do you know what kind of person would have that thought sooner? The kind of person who probably gets in fights a lot but doesn't do very well and as a result, knows almost exactly how much blood he can spray on someone before he needs to lay down and raise his arm above his head and should therefor never, ever get himself into a fight.  

Me, I just want to fight cancer.

OR MAIL CHECKS AND/OR MONEY ORDERS (payable to The American Cancer Society) TO ME AT:
3655 Coopers Pond Drive, #202,
Tampa, FL, 33614

And if you'd like to RSVP for the Muffinquest party at Tre Amici, you can do so here.

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