Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Let the hunt begin!

You'd best get to runnin' boy!
This is from an ad that appeared on a web site called from a gentleman named Mork Encino:
"I seek hearty gents who fancy themselves sportsmen and bored of the usual game. I am a new breed of prey with thick pelt and smooth hide. I’m faster than a wild turkey, smart as any GODDAMN wild boar and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the monetary health of my family...And knuckleheads or candy asses? Well, they need not apply. They can kick rocks and kiss grits and whatever else. I’m looking for a true goddamn Money Bags, okay? 10K is nothing to these boys. They leave tips on restaurant checks like that. They drop that type of scratch just because. They’ll pay that money just to rub it in my FACE and show me how meaningless it truly is to the likes of them."

Dear Mr. Encino,
I heed and accept your challenge, you magnificient bastard. When it comes to hunting, I have long been an advocate of level playing fields. What could be a more fair sporting contest than one man hunting another? Nothing, that's what. As for a reason, I don't need one beyond the natural aggression that comes from my born American-ness and born male-ness. I'm just wired that way. Hell, I'll hunt you just because your name is Mork.

Shazbot is right, motherf...
Also, because it would be pretty cool to have a human head mounted as a trophy on my living room wall. If it's okay with you, I'd kinda like to wire it up like one of those Big Mouth Billy Basses, because those things are hilarious. Don't worry, I'll keep it classy; your mouth will move and your eyes will light up with flashing red lightbulbs and I may or may not put a funny hat on you (probably different hats, depending on the season) but the song will be something good. I'm thinking AC/DC or Van Halen (with Roth, not Hagar).

Your face here
So come on. Let's both get naked and run around the woods with guns, knives or whatever (I'm thinking a crossbow with flaming arrows!) and do this thing. 
One thing though; the money? I don't have it. Sorry. Just like you, I'm a victim of shitty economic conditions and $10,000 for a sporting quest, while quite reasonable with all things considered, is currently well beyond my means. The other night, I met a waitress who claims to know Robert Kinoshita, who designed the B9 robot from the "Lost In Space" tv series and she says that for $10,000 he would build one for me. And as appealing as it would be to hunt The Ultimate Game (ie: man, ie: you), if the choice is blowing 10 grand on that or my very own robot, well, come on. That's no contest. I'm sure you understand.
So unless you're willing to come way, way down in price, I guess I'm out. Sorry to waste your time. 
Good luck!


PS: If you survive one of these hunts and want a B9 robot, let me know and I'll put you in touch with that waitress. If it turns out that she's full of crap (which is entirely possible; it wouldn't be the first time a waitress has lied to me), you and I can team up and hunt her for sport.


ChrisC said...

I'd leave a comment,but I'm too busy LMAO!And I spit an alcoholic beverage,laughing,all over my monitor,and I need to clean it off.

Ginger Sanches said...

You are so funny. To hunt someone. We are like hunters all of our life. We hunt money, love, happiness and many other things. so would you come here to hunt paper writer Live happily!