Friday, July 15, 2011

The Tea Party will save us from the terrors of the briny deep!

You're gonna need a bigger exploding train

They're known by many names around these parts.
Sea Cows
The Silent Killers
Nature's Perfect Predators
Floating Voldemorts
That's right, the most lethal creature in the known universe, responsible for death and dismemberment on a truly horrific scale. Ever wonder why there are no more pirates?
They're like sharks, only in the water!
All of mankind's previous attempts to fight back and stem the bloodlust of the manatee have met with failure. Boats, boats full of explosives and that one admittedly ill-advised time they tried catapulting a train full of exploding boats. Nothing has worked. Manatees have had it too good for too long! Well, now, FINALLY, a group that knows how to get things done is stepping up! Of course, I'm talking about (who else?) The Tea Party! A faction of the group in Citrus County is opposing new restrictions on boating and other activities in Kings Bay, parts of which have been a federal wildlife reserve since 1980, that have been proposed by the bastards at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. The new rules would eliminate the "summer water sport zone", which currently allows for boats full of drunken boobs to careen through Kings Bay at high speeds.

Who speaks for the poor, the oppressed, the assholes? The Tea Party, that's who!
If these new rules are approved, all of Kings Bay would become a refuge and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service stormtroopers will be enabled to establish closed areas or other rules anywhere in the bay, as situations arise. Currently, it's estimated that upwards of 550 manatees inhabit Kings Bay year round, with even more activity taking place during the colder winter months. Federal officials would be allowed to set up temporary no-entry areas lasting up to two weeks if a cold front hits before the manatee season begins, or after the manatee season has closed, to prevent them from being harmed in Kings Bay. 

Behold the fuzzy faces of oppression.
Enter Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, a woman whose interests include speaking out against socialism and taking young girls' little dogs for bike rides.

She's not going to fight this egregious tyranny with standard tactics like reasoned, fact-based arguments.  Nope, ol' Edna is pulling out the big guns!
"We cannot elevate nature above people. That's against the Bible and the Bill of Rights. They want to restrict the entire bay. They don't want people here."

"Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me. Anything you wanna say, Snooty?" -- Matthew 26:21
"Guys, I could give two shits about women and darkies; but how are we going to protect future generations against the manatee apocalypse?!?"
Sweet James Madison carrying two stone tablets from Mount Horeb to Philadelphia on a SeaDoo, she's right! Fuck nature! Until we can have Slurpees blasted directly into our gaping maws right out of Ol' Faithful at the soon-to-be-built 7-Eleven at Yellowstone Park, our God-given constitutional right to run over slow-moving indigenous aquatic creatures in a speedboat are at risk! To illustrate that point, she went on to point out how this issue, as terrifyingly serious as it is all by itself, is merely a small piece of a far more sinister plot...

"We believe that (federal regulators') aim is to control the fish and wildlife, in addition to the use of the land that surrounds this area, and the people that live here and visit. … As most of us know, this all ties in to the United Nations' Agenda 21 and Sustainability...If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

Right after controlling the fish and wildlife, tapping our phones is the U.N.'s highest priority.
So there you have it; comets didn't kill the dinosaurs; some brave, forward-thinking, take-no-federal-wildlife-or-United-Nations-bullshit prehistoric Tea Party organism of some sort (since dinosaurs and anything remotely human missed crawling around at the same time on earth by, oh, about 61 million years or so) did! And thank goodness for that organism's direct descendants, like Edna Mattos. Because while you might think it would be fun to live in Jurassic Park, just remember that if the Feds had anything to say about it, it would be some lame Jurassic Park with a "No Wake" zone.


Jeff Hickmott said...

Holy crap, Clark! I am still wiping the tears from my eyes as I attempt to type this! To you sir, I say you are a humorist with no equal! At the height of your powers, etc., and so on and so forth, to be sure, faith and begorrah, Darby O'Gill, Paddy Mcginty, Uncle Tom Cobley and all, and all. Etc.

Funny shizzle.

Why, it's Clark! said...

That is very high praise, indeed. Thank you, my hilarious friend.

Native Mom said...

You owe me a glass of wine, because I spit this one all over my computer I was laughing so hard.

As far as manatees go, I totally convinced a new northern coworker that manatees nested on shore and he should beware when jogging on the beach in the morning. Yankees- what idiots!

Why, it's Clark! said...

Aw thanks! I've been told I need to engage more political topics on this blog but this isn't REALLY a response to that. I just like to dish out LOLZ and I hate bullies. And being opposed to manatees is like being opposed to the kinda slow kid who bags groceries at the supermarket and is always smiling.