Friday, February 03, 2012

The best bad show not on tv

If you're a person who uses the internet (and if you aren't, one of us is doing something wrong as you shouldn't be able to read this right now), at least half your time is probably spent doing research on the past. A good site to find wacky/creepy retro items is The Kitsch Bitch. They have a page on Facebook too. Go there (later, after you read this) and relive some horrifyingly hilarious haute couture history.
A while back, Laura Douglas, the lovely beloved of Mr. Jeff Hickmott (whom you may remember as a guest contributor here during the last two Guest Author Months) tagged a godawful photo from some long-fogotten catalog with mine and Jeff's names. Well, I can't have a photo with my name attached to it on the internet without offering some sort of comment or explanation, so I did. And so did Jeff. I guess this amused Laura because she keeps doing it...and we keep commenting. Our pal Michael Noble (who may or may not have done a guest spot or two here too) has also been drawn into the silliness now. And to be totally honest, the fault for it all lies squarely at the feet of Marissa Rapier (also a guest contributor) for connecting everyone in the first place. At any rate, it's sort of bcome a thing, with the ongoing theme of scenes taken from a '70s buddy cop show that didn't quite make it on the air (if Quentin Tarantino is reading this, I'm sure we can work something out as far as publi$hing right$ is concerned). 
But regardless of whose fault it is (Marissa's), posted below are the photos and the accompanying commentary.

 Clark: This is me and Jeff Hickmott relaxing after we solve crimes. You should see our car!

Jeff: This is me and my fellow crimefighter Clark Brooks relaxing after we've solved all the crime downtown.
Clark: I remember this! It was after we busted that banana smuggling ring down at the docks. "And we'd have gotten away with it, if not for Jeff Hickmott and Clark."
Jeff: That's right Clark, not forgetting the help of our wheelman Michael Noble.
Michael: I remember this! You guys wouldn't let me in the photo because you said my Speedo wasn't "shiny" enough (*cough, cough*) and I would "detract" from the overall look of the photo if I was in it. (*That* was a crock ...) Personally?...I think the dazzling cut of my jib would have improved the ambiance of the image, but ... you know, as I've mentioned to others before: "Clark and Jeff need their egos stroked without my glowing self overtaking them each and every time we get together. They sometimes have fragile constitutions and I don't want to trample on their sometimes 'delicate sensibilities' ..." No harm, no foul, guys...
Jeff: Like, what-everrr, Michael...And Clark, I think it was a budgie smuggling ring if I remember rightly?
Michael: Unreal. You're *still* jealous ...
Laura Douglas: I love you guys.
Clark: No Jeff, I'm pretty sure it was bananas. Or maybe plantains. And Michael, I don't know why we need to know about the cut of your jib. Your religious upbringing is none of our business.
Michael: Clark is doubly jealous!
Marissa: ‎...and to think I was responsible for the union of the trio *face plant*
Laura: Sorry Jeff Hickmott, but now that you have had your Christmas lunch you may have to avoid the shiny speedos.

Laura: My three favourite crime fighters.
Jeff: Matching uniforms and all!
Clark: I couldn't figure out why everybody is different sizes in this picture but then I remembered that this was that case where Michael Noble went undercover as a ventriloquist and Jeff Hickmott served as his dummy. I believe we called it "It Takes A Dummy".
Michael: I remember this! It was the first time - no ... the *second* time! - I met up with Jeff. He kept on trying to trip me up about his last name, playing silly little games about it. "Hackmouth." "Hickleberry." "Honkmeth." "Hiccups-alot." And,... at the very end, he almost had me convinced it was really "Hickeys By Mouth." (But *that's* another story.) Anyway ... it was a ruckus. Jeff kept screwing up my undercoveredness by responding and talking out of turn as The Dummy. It was bad ... bad ...I think Clark put him up to it, but I don't have proof. The only good thing? We got to keep the clothes. (I still have mine, wear the shirt on occasion and play with the zipper. The trousers no longer fit ...) And that "hemmed to your exact inseam" ... ??? The dude that did the hemming? His name was Lester The Letch.

Jeff: Here's me with Clark Brooks and Michael Noble, in cunning disguise as the Jason King triplets!
Clark: Yes, I had to stand in the middle because that scarf made people so angry, they wanted to beat me up.

Clark Brooks Ah, another from the crime fighting files of me, Michael Noble and Jeff Hickmott. This particular episode was titled either "Tu-nic's Company, Three's a Crowd" or "Pancho No Get-o the Memo". This case involved going undercover to bust a black market operation that was using an intramural sports program on an indian reservation to smuggle yarn.


Marissa said...

I happily take all the blame. As if I could defend myself after foolishly admitting it. Egads!

Tara said...

Help me. I find myself awaiting the next adventure.

Jeff Hickmott said...

Oh, the merry japes and jovial jollity we have!!