Monday, October 22, 2012

Autumnal festiveness!

It's that time of year again. Aw, don't moan and groan and be like that. Seasons change and there's nothing you can do about it. Just get in the spirit of the whole thing, relax, go with the flow and it will all be over before you know it. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself. And what better way to throw yourself into the fun than with a decorating project? Doesn't that sound fun? Sure it does! Come on, let's go to the store!

What? Oh, we're not buying anything. Why? Because we're not taking anything home, silly. That's right, we're going to do our decorating project right here in the store! That slowly-spreading smile on your face tells me you think you know what we're going to do. The big ol' grin already on my face says you're correct...
PHALLIC GOURD DISPLAY, 2012 version!! 
  1. Head to the produce department, where we will find this box:
  2. Oh, this is pefect! We have a nice variety of sizes, textures and even skin tones (sorry, non-caucasion folks!) from which to choose.
  3. Here's the easy part; picking out the components. Yeah, grab that big one. What the hell is that thing?!? It's perfect! That's our focal point (so to speak). Now get in there and find a couple of smaller, round ones. Stay away from the ones with the warts on them because we want to be subtle.
  4. KIDDING! It's Halloween! Subtlety can set itself on fire and jump out of a space balloon for all we care. Find the most mottled, pimpled, shriveled, warted, disgusting ones they have!
  5. What's nice here is, this is food. As such, you can not only handle it as much as necessary, you can do anything you want (short of actually consuming it) and you look like any other idiot shopper making an unnecessarily difficult decision. Go ahead, heft it, look at it, smell it. Whatever it takes to really experience it. Nobody has to know what we're up to.
    "What are you telling me, pumpkin? You're a fruit, not a vegetable?
    Ha ha ha! Stupid pumpkin; everybody already knows that."
  7. WARNING: This ONLY works with food. It's the exact opposite with clothes, where you can put everything on and walk around like it's yours but do not do any of that other stuff. Especially underwear.
  8. Now this is when things get tricky; the actual arrangement. While you want the world to see your handiwork when you're finished, you absolutely do not want to be seen doing it. Keeping in mind that the store undoubtedly has security cameras and if there's a guard bored out of his mind somewhere in the back, what you're doing is the most interesting thing he'll see all day long on those monitors. And if your town is just the right size, this is the kind of thing that could actually wind up on your local news. Conduct yourself like one of Santa's elves or a ninja.
  9. WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET CAUGHT: Don't get caught.
  10. And now, you're all done. Behold the magic which you have created! Was it worth it? Of course not. But hey, what is?

Happy Autumn!


Tyler .H said...

You're a sick man Clark and I love ya for it.

Jeff Hickmott said...

Shared this all over the Interwebtubey-things. Lovely stuff. And boy, was that a gnarly gourd!

Marissa said...

Now, that is what we call food porn.

Ruprecht said...


How did I miss this ... ?!?