Friday, October 12, 2012

Celebrities! They're just like me!

"Impudent child! How dare you make
eye contact with The Tyra?"
 The other day, I found myself thumbing through an issue of Us Weekly magazine because I guess at that particular moment, I needed to hate myself just a little bit more than usual. Inside, I found that Us Weekly has a section titled "Just Like Us!" which features famous people doing and saying mundane things. The purpose, if there is one, is to let us normal folk know that we're all basically the same ("Gee, if Jerry Seinfeld has to pick up his own dog's poop just like I do, I'm doing okay!"). That's a healthy message that could serve to keep us grounded in reality, but being as it's coming from a magazine that exists for the sole purpose of stalking documenting the exploits of celebrities, they don't pull it off gracefully.
I'd like to share with you a feature article I found there, which I present exactly as published, without comment...

Tyra Banks: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me
The creator of America's Next Top Model, 38, dishes to Us
  1. My wallet is full of different currencies from my travels.
  2. I hate chocolate.
  3. I've got rhymes! When I give speeches, I finish with a poetic rap.
  4. I'm a car-pool queen. I love to pick up my friends and drive somewhere new.
  5. I love using pen and paper to make lists.
  6. I rule at the game Taboo.
  7. My favorite word is flawsome. You + your flaws + awesome = flawsome!
  8. If I was an animal, I'd be a giraffe, with my long neck and eyelashes!
  9. I eat burgers with no bun, extra mayo.
  10. I wore braces for two years as a kid.
  11. When my feet hurt, I wear sneakers under my long dresses.
  12. I prefer the coziness of a twin bed to a king-size one.
  13. I lick the barbecue-flavored powder off chips before eating them.
  14. I'm a total morning person.
  15. I'm fascinated by India.
  16. America's Next Top Model has been franchised in more than 20 countries. So I appear as a special guest judge on shows.
  17. My mother used to be a medical photographer.
  18. I dream of becoming a star beach-volleyball player
  19. I often go to amusement parks in disguise. I prefer to be unnoticed!
  20. If I were a teenager, I'd have a huge crush on Andrew Garfield.
  21. I Instagram so much I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
  22. My passion is working at the TZone at NYC's Lower East Side Girls Club, which builds self-esteem in girls.
  23. I smize to myself in the mirror every night. (Smize = smile with your eyes!)
  24. I always teach waitresses to booty tooch. That's popping your booty out while you pose.
  25. I believe that every little girl has some supermodel sass in her.
What I learned from this (other than how disgusting it must be to eat potato chips with Tyra Banks) is that celebrities, at least empty vessels like Tyra Banks, really are just like me! Check it out...

Clark Brooks: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me

The guy who writes jokes about farts, 48, dishes to You

  1. I have a wallet.
  2. I hate cancer.
  3. I don't have any rhymes, but if I were ever asked to give a speech, I would close with a big musical number backed by a gospel choir. 
  4. Sometimes, I ride the bus. When I do, I go where the bus driver takes me.
  5. I use a greasy piece of meat to write lists on the wall (first item on list: "Buy pen and paper")
  6. The game Taboo is not played in my village. Probably because of the name. We are a primitive and fearful people.
  7. My favorite word is bullshit. Tyra Banks + talking = what comes out of a bull's ass!
  8. If I was an animal, I'd be a human, with my vague semi-resemblance to a human-like being.
  9. I eat burgers with cheese.
  10. I wear glasses.
  11. When my feet hurt, I sit or lie down for a while.
  12. I prefer sleeping indoors to sleeping outdoors in a public park or the dumpster behind Arby's.
  13. I lick the barbecue-flavored sauce off my fingers after I eat things with barbecue sauce on them.
  14. I'm a total nimrod.
  15. I have been to Indiana.
  16. America's Top Model has been franchised in more than 20 countries. So I judge the taste of people who live in those countries and I find them as vacuous and insipid as those who watch this tripe in America.
  17. My mother used to take medicine and photographs.
  18. I dream of beach-volleyball players.
  19. I find the best way to draw unwanted attention is to wear disguises in public to places that draw crowds of people like amusement parks.
  20. I have absolutely no idea who Andrew Garfield is.
  21. I use the proper names of things that I do as verbs so much I wouldn't be surprised if somebody Baseball Batted me in the face.
  22. My passion is sending contradictory messages (see Tyra's #22 and #24 above).
  23. Tyra Banks makes me want to slists. (Slists = slit my wrists!)
  24. I always teach people making less than minimum wage to booty mooch. That's sending the message that your booty is available for sex for the right price.
  25. I believe that Tyra Banks has some succubus in her.


Denise said...

Not that you asked, but I think this is my new favorite post of yours! You should send it in to whatever-that-magazine-is-called.

BTW: I, too, have a wallet. I'M JUST LIKE YOU.

Marissa said...

This is terrifically faboo! It reminds me of a time when I was witty. Not this witty, but witty-esque.

Jeff Hickmott said...

You sir, have done it again. And no, don't ask what "it" is. And well done for using the word tripe.