"Impudent child! How dare you make eye contact with The Tyra?" |
I'd like to share with you a feature article I found there, which I present exactly as published, without comment...
Tyra Banks: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me
The creator of America's Next Top Model, 38, dishes to Us
- My wallet is full of different currencies from my travels.
- I hate chocolate.
- I've got rhymes! When I give speeches, I finish with a poetic rap.
- I'm a car-pool queen. I love to pick up my friends and drive somewhere new.
- I love using pen and paper to make lists.
- I rule at the game Taboo.
- My favorite word is flawsome. You + your flaws + awesome = flawsome!
- If I was an animal, I'd be a giraffe, with my long neck and eyelashes!
- I eat burgers with no bun, extra mayo.
- I wore braces for two years as a kid.
- When my feet hurt, I wear sneakers under my long dresses.
- I prefer the coziness of a twin bed to a king-size one.
- I lick the barbecue-flavored powder off chips before eating them.
- I'm a total morning person.
- I'm fascinated by India.
- America's Next Top Model has been franchised in more than 20 countries. So I appear as a special guest judge on shows.
- My mother used to be a medical photographer.
- I dream of becoming a star beach-volleyball player
- I often go to amusement parks in disguise. I prefer to be unnoticed!
- If I were a teenager, I'd have a huge crush on Andrew Garfield.
- I Instagram so much I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
- My passion is working at the TZone at NYC's Lower East Side Girls Club, which builds self-esteem in girls.
- I smize to myself in the mirror every night. (Smize = smile with your eyes!)
- I always teach waitresses to booty tooch. That's popping your booty out while you pose.
- I believe that every little girl has some supermodel sass in her.
Clark Brooks: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me
The guy who writes jokes about farts, 48, dishes to You
- I have a wallet.
- I hate cancer.
- I don't have any rhymes, but if I were ever asked to give a speech, I would close with a big musical number backed by a gospel choir.
- Sometimes, I ride the bus. When I do, I go where the bus driver takes me.
- I use a greasy piece of meat to write lists on the wall (first item on list: "Buy pen and paper")
- The game Taboo is not played in my village. Probably because of the name. We are a primitive and fearful people.
- My favorite word is bullshit. Tyra Banks + talking = what comes out of a bull's ass!
- If I was an animal, I'd be a human, with my vague semi-resemblance to a human-like being.
- I eat burgers with cheese.
- I wear glasses.
- When my feet hurt, I sit or lie down for a while.
- I prefer sleeping indoors to sleeping outdoors in a public park or the dumpster behind Arby's.
- I lick the barbecue-flavored sauce off my fingers after I eat things with barbecue sauce on them.
- I'm a total nimrod.
- I have been to Indiana.
- America's Top Model has been franchised in more than 20 countries. So I judge the taste of people who live in those countries and I find them as vacuous and insipid as those who watch this tripe in America.
- My mother used to take medicine and photographs.
- I dream of beach-volleyball players.
- I find the best way to draw unwanted attention is to wear disguises in public to places that draw crowds of people like amusement parks.
- I have absolutely no idea who Andrew Garfield is.
- I use the proper names of things that I do as verbs so much I wouldn't be surprised if somebody Baseball Batted me in the face.
- My passion is sending contradictory messages (see Tyra's #22 and #24 above).
- Tyra Banks makes me want to slists. (Slists = slit my wrists!)
- I always teach people making less than minimum wage to booty mooch. That's sending the message that your booty is available for sex for the right price.
- I believe that Tyra Banks has some succubus in her.
3 comments:
Not that you asked, but I think this is my new favorite post of yours! You should send it in to whatever-that-magazine-is-called.
BTW: I, too, have a wallet. I'M JUST LIKE YOU.
This is terrifically faboo! It reminds me of a time when I was witty. Not this witty, but witty-esque.
You sir, have done it again. And no, don't ask what "it" is. And well done for using the word tripe.
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