Monday, December 09, 2013

How boxing was invented

A jousting tournament field somewhere in England on March 24, 1624...

LEOFRICK, VALET TO SIR CEDRIC OF CRANAPPLE: Sir Cedric! I have just learned your next opponent is to be none other than Lord Destro of Shambles-On-Pie!
SIR CEDRIC OF CRANAPPLE: Lord Destro! He's very good, isn't he?
LEOFRICK: He's never known defeat! No one has so much as scored a single point against him!!
SIR CEDRIC: Then this is the greatest challenge I have ever faced. We must come up with a strategy that he has never seen before. One he can't anticipate and for which he will have no defense. He will be on horseback and approaching me at great speed armed with a lance, correct?
LEOFRICK: Aye, sire. Such are the standard rules of jousting...
SIR CEDRIC: Ah ha! Then I shall present myself without a horse nor a lance, standing relatively still in one spot. He would never expect me to employ such a tactic!
LEOFRICK: That's probably true...
SIR CEDRIC: Then when he gets very close, I shall pepper him with blows from my fists. Delivering damage to the body and head, inflicting punishment to the degree that he becomes disoriented and incapacitated and eventually falls to the ground unconscious. The judges, seeing him prostate at my feet for a count of, oh, say, 10 or so, will declare him unfit to continue and I will be declared champion!
LEOFRICK: I... guess that's not theoretically impossible... but he will undoubtedly still be wearing his armor, my liege.
SIR CEDRIC: Ah yes, good point! For the sake of consistency, I shall wear none. I shall fight him naked. Thank you.
LEOFRICK: That isn't why I...
SIR CEDRICK: No, you're right. I should maintain a level of modesty and decorum for the sake of the non-combatants in attendance as spectators. Instead, I shall wear the briefs you so thoughtfully got me as a Boxing Day gift.
SIR CEDRICK: It is decided. Prepare my Boxer Briefs for battle.

Sir Cedric lost his match that day, suffering a head wound the size of a jousting lance which caused all of the blood inside of his body to end up on the ground outside of  his body. Those in attendance who had placed wagers on the match were outraged and bedlam ensued. Most of the wagers were resolved via fisticuffs which probably turned into boxing at some point, I guess.

1 comment:

Jeff Hickmott said...

Yup. That's exactly what happened.