Friday, December 27, 2013

Merry no longer Christmas but not quite New Years although it IS Friday, so that's good Day

"She's been like that since Wednesday. Should we do something?"
Like the last of the stuffing from Christmas dinner (come on, it's're just scraping the dish with a spoon now and it's embarrassing..all right, go ahead and lick the spoon...Jesus), we've reached the end of the epic Christmas poems. This one was inspired by that most dreaded of all Christmas songs, "The Christmas Shoes". This version, originally published on December 23rd, 2011,  is not nearly as sad, yet somehow, it's more pathetic (I guess I'm a genius).

The Christmas Velcro Shoes
As I get older every day, 
So many things that I have learned.
Like, an oven filled with microwaves 
Turned up to 10 makes popcorn burned

Some other lessons I've picked up
I choose to ignore or to use 
Like drinking whiskey from a coffee cup
Or not wasting time by tying shoes

Since I've discovered footwear with velcro
I can't be bothered with silly strings
To me, this is the way to go
More valuable than Five Golden Rings

There are no laces so I don't get knots,
That I would have to snip
I just grab
that velcro tab
Tug it once and hear it rip

Also, I don't worry about kids I meet
with crumb-encrusted faces
Crawling down between my feet
And tying together my laces

I have one pair in stealthy black
Another in a pearly white
Stylishly, I'm not held back
Even if I were to meet Jesus tonight.

It's not that I can't tie a bow
(I'd learned how by second grade)
But shoelaces come from...where? I don't know
While velcro is American made

That's why I mentioned to Santa Claus
In my lengthy annual letter
Don't give me no shoes with inherent flaws
When velcro makes it all so much better

I'm already planning to leave him cookies in a dish
Santa's cool and oh-so-smart
I know that he will grant my wish
Because I saw him wearing some at Wal Mart.

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