Monday, December 30, 2013

How to fix the Bucs

As another sorry Buccaneers season comes skidding to a halt like the ninth car in a ten-car pile-up(they finished 4-12), it's time to assess what went wrong this season.
So far, people are chiming in to blame the coach and/or the owners.
I'm no football expert but I think those people are stupid. My theory: the team needs a new logo.
This is what they have now...
"What's wrong with that", you may ask. "Perfectly intimidating, it's a scary, scary pirate skull with swords. Certainly better than what was there before, a fey, Errol Flynn-esque character, winking acknowledgement that everything is just a jolly romp, it is."

That's mostly true, but not completely. Look at that current logo again; it's not actually a skull and swords, it's a flag with a skull and some swords on it. Our logo is a flag. Worse, it's a flag on a sword, a weapon rendered useless by turning into a pole upon which you display a colorful bit of cloth. If we really were buccaneers, this is what would happen:
"Bosun, are the men ready to take to the streets to loot, pillage, plunder and rape?"
"Mostly, captain."
"Well, we have this one goof, playing flag with his sword instead of brandishing it in a threatening manner."
That's us. Clowning around when we should be taking care of business. No wonder we aren't very good. We're clearly not taking things very seriously and applying ourselves. We should ditch the flag part of the logo and just put Mr. Skull, his swords and his little orange football on the helmet. We should probably do something about that godawful combover first. You're a frightening skull; just because the last logo had a glorious, long-flowing mane, you don't need to be self-conscious about your 'do, man!

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