Oh, K!

Remember lunch hour when you were in school? You'd sit with your friends and crack jokes about classmates, teachers or current events and you thought you were funniest people in the whole world? You weren't, but that's all right. None of us were. It's not the point of the story.
For the most part, you'd all hold your own, topping each other's zingers with clever comebacks. But there was always one kid at the table who was a step or two slow and couldn't really contribute to the witty repartee... except every very rare once in a while, that kid would chime in with something absolutely perfect and just blow everybody way.
Welcome to the funny table, K-Mart.

A few thoughts on the Boston bombings

THOUGHT #1: In spite of my tendency to be pessimistic and somewhat paranoid, I generally don't believe that there is a shadowy cabal of elite power brokers manipulating every single aspect of our behavior for their own selfish gain.
That said, something struck me as odd about some of the media coverage as the manhunt for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev intensified. Testimonial comments like this started popping up in all the media coverage...

"It's completely out of his character. Everything about him was wonderful. He was completely outgoing, very engaged, he loved the school. He was grateful not to be in Chechnya." 

"He spoke and acted like any other high school kid."

"I mean this from the deepest part of my heart: It's not possible it's the same person. It's just not possible."

"I don't really know how to react to this….he was a funny, sweet, goofy kid. It's not something you would expect from someone you know."

Here's what troubles me about that. I look around at our world today and I see real progress being made in how we deal with each others as individuals, regardless of ethnic origins, sexual preference or other inherent differences we have. Slow and incremental progress maybe, but at least moving forward. I mean that sincerely. The best example I can cite is the distinct and dramatic shift in how people view homosexuals and their pursuit of basic civil rights that has occurred over the last few years.
Now, the "of course" part of me says, "Of course, the media is publicizing these observations because seemingly out-of-character behavior is a key dramatic element in the story."
Meanwhile, the "but maybe" part of me is whispering, "But maybe, publicizing these observations serves to erode the trust and benefits-of-a-doubt we might be willing to extend, allowing us to fall safely back into toxic old mindsets like 'those people (whoever we happen to be talking about) are all the same and can never be completely trusted', because mistrust breeds fear and it's easy to control and manipulate people with fear."

THOUGHT #2: I tend to find myself in the dumbest places when something dramatic happens. When the space shuttle blew up, I was reading a comic book. I was vacuuming my living room when 9/11 happened. And when all hell was breaking loose in Boston the other day, I was devoting all my attention and energy to getting some Pop Tarts unstuck from a vending machine. As a result, I don't have any cool, profound, "I'll never forget exactly where I was when..." stories. Worse, I'm worried I'll be masturbating if somebody ever tries to kill the president or fire nuclear weapons at us.

THOUGHT #3: Who thought it was a good idea to let the guy who played Michael Scott and Brick Tamland be part of a SWAT team?

THOUGHT #4: Something or other happened in Texas around the same time, didn't it?

Happy Record Store Day!

The more you learn about the music business, the more you might feel like you really don't like music. That's because there are so many people in the music business, at both the executive and artist level, that are kind of scummy, mean, nasty and generally just not much fun. But there's danger in thinking that everybody is like that and using a broad brush to paint those who aren't.
One of the still-good guys is Jack White, who's best known as the brains behind the White Stripes and The Raconteurs. He also runs his own record label, Third Man Records, out of Nashville. I've always liked Jack White because he seems to have that 'mad genius' vibe that I find appealing (remember, I'm a Prince fan). He also seems to really love music and recognizes that it should be something that's fun. For example check out this plaything he's installed in his store...

How cool is that!! Debuting just in time for National Record Store Day (is it ironic that the only record stores that still exist are the ones that sell actual records?).
If you're in Nashville, check it out. And pick up one of whatever is made in that Mold-A-Rama that shows up at the 0:42 mark for me.

An adventure with Peter Pan!

I know this guy who likes to dress like Peter Pan and Wednesday night, I helped him retrieve his stolen canoe.
It's entirely possible that right now your brain made that record-scratch noise and you're saying, "hold on a sec, blog boy; you can't introduce a character who likes to dress like Peter Pan and then launch right into your canoe story without providing some background."
Fair enough.
For those who don't know, Randy Constan is a guy who lives here in Tampa and he likes to dress like Peter Pan. He's been on tv (Conan and Kimmel among others) and is something of an internet celebrity. I met him through various mutual associations. You're entitled to judge him as weird or whatever. That's human nature. Here's a link to his web site if you want to learn more but it's really not a big deal once you get to know him. Or maybe it is. That's his thing and if he's not bothering anyone, what's the big deal? And if it bothers you, maybe you need to ask why. I don't really know. I guess there's a lesson there about tolerance and acceptance if you're looking for that kind of thing. I'm really not interested in that shit right now and I'm just here to talk about how we got his stolen canoe back.
There's an unwritten code among those who drive pick-up trucks (like I do), it's called The Unwritten Code of the Truck Owner. If it were written, The Code would state that people will need your assistance from time to time in hauling stuff, and that when that happens, you do it, unless the person asking for help is an asshole or there's some other reason you just don't feel like it, of course. I guess what I'm saying is it's like many other codes or vows or pledges or promises in that it's something to live by and take seriously unless you don't want to for some reason.
The Code also dictates that you should help without expectation of a reward but that gas money and/or a meal is reasonable compensation. I'm a big believer in The Code so when I got word that Randy needed help, I offered my services.
I picked him up at his house, which is from where the canoe was stolen, and we headed to Clearwater, which was where it ended up. Along the way he told me how that all came to pass...

"Some kids who live nearby stole my neighbor's paddleboat and they were using that to access the pond behind my house and steal other boats."
"Would you describe them as a crew? A motley crew of scurvy knaves?"
"I don't know. I guess. I don't know if they're in a gang or anything like that. Anyway, they stole my canoe and put it up for sale on Craigslist,."
"Arrrrrrrr you serious?"
"Yep. Somebody in Clearwater bought it, not knowing it was stolen. I feel bad for them. Anyway, we're going to their house to get it."
"Seems like an adult must have been involved to broker a transaction through Craigslist. Did you notice a flamboyantly dressed gentleman, missing one hand, leading them, like, say, a captain?"
"No, but I saw them out there before the canoe was stolen and thought they were up to no good so I took pictures."
"Did you exchange cannon fire with them?"
"What? No!"
"When you get your boat back, you should put a crocodile out there to guard it."
"I'm sure there are some snakes out there but I'm not sure about any gators."
"This can't be the first time that scoundrel Hook has attacked your fleet."
"What are you... oh, okay, I see what you're doing. Ha ha. That's very funny."
"Hey! Tick-tock, tick-tock! Right? Ha ha ha!"

In case you're wondering, making subtle jokes about being Peter Pan to someone who lives as Peter Pan does not negate The Unwritten Code of the Truck Owner, as he and his wife took me to dinner at Miguel's last night.

A short conversation at a cable news network

"You guys, I'm so depressed."
"Is it the news? I'll bet it's the news."
"Of course it's the news. It's so..."
"Depressing?"
"Yes! Ugh!"
"I know. Everything is so ugh and augh and oog. Nobody is enjoying this news. I mean, at all. You should see my Twitter feed. Ugh."
"Who can blame them? It sucks!"
"I wish I was Jon Stewart."
"Or Stephen Colbert.
"Or The Onion."
"People love those guys."
"Sure. Fake news is hilarious."
"Not like this stuff, so... what did you call it?"
"Depressing."
"Yeah. Ugh."
"You know what we should do? We should pull an Onion!"
"Do what now?"
"An Onion. A fake story!"
"Is that what that's called?"
"Sure. That's where they got the name."
"That is a funny name..."
"So let's do it! Everyone needs a good laugh right now. It will cheer everyone up!"
"Sounds cool! How do we do it?"
"We'll go on the air, keeping totally straight faces, and say they caught a suspect in the bombings!"
"And people will think that's funny?"
"Yes! That's how comedy works! Haven't you seen The Daily Show? It's funny because it's fake. 'Oh, look everybody, here's George Bush driving a car' or whatever."
"Ha ha ha! Classic!"
"Yeah, but we gotta keep totally straight faces. No cracking up like Carol Burnett."
"But what if people take it seriously and they think a suspect really is in custody?"
"Then it's even funnier! Then it's like, 'ha ha, because some people are so stupid!' Right?"
"Yeah! Oh, this is gonna be fun. We're gonna Onion America good!"
"We're gonna totally Onion the shit out of America!"

The healing has already begun

This is a Facebook status posted by a friend of mine and the comments that followed. It all started around 7:00PM on Monday, April 15th, just about four hours after the explosions in Boston. I copied and pasted them around 11:00PM that night. I altered or eliminated the names and photos of the participants because, well, I didn't ask for permission to use them and if they find out about this and get mad at me, at least I can say they're not being identified. Oh, and I put other pictures in there instead because blog posts that are nothing but text aren't very exciting, and we not only need excitement, we deserve excitement!
Otherwise, I left everything as-is.


Original Post
4 hours ago via mobile
Someone please explain to me why, with no one behind me, they have me pull forward to wait for my food at the drive thru.
Like ·  · Share
One Guy and Also Another Guy like this.

Comment 1: 
I think some of those drive thru's have timers on them and keeping you there effects the avg wait time and goes against the store if you are there too long.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Comment 2:
In the fast food industry all stores are ranked on speed and drive thru times. I'm sure they tell you to pull forward so they can clear the order and make the appropriate times.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Comment 3:
Did that to me too. I have them the you are a f*#ktard look.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

Comment 4:
I think the entire idea is BS! I went to McDonald's for one of those wraps last week, was asked to pull forward, waited 10 full minutes, went inside, saw the kitchen area was full of food, ON THE FLOOR! and when I asked to talk to the manager (standing right there) he yelled at the staff in front of me, and it still took 4 more minutes for the damn wrap! On another note, I read same fast food was in the news, due to customer outrage they are going to get friendlier, yeah right! SEND RUBY! PLEEEEAAASE!
4 hours ago · Like · 1

Comment 5: 
I had to pull up and wait for an ice cofee one day...duh
3 hours ago · Like

Reply from the Original Poster:
Me too Judy!
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Don't worry about us.
Because no matter what else is happening, we will not lose sight of what really matters. Simply put, there's no way We The People will ever settle for living in a country where we're expected to wait more than 10 minutes for something to eat sometimes (not all the time, but sporadically), especially the latest, trendy McHot Salted Lard item. Nor will we willingly get out of the way so somebody else can be helped while we wait, or tolerate restaurants that don't have at least one designated f*#ktard standing by to pour hot coffee over ice cubes (duh) the second we make that demand, God damn it!
Yep, we're gonna be just fine.




Photos by John Tlumamacki, originally posted here.

I apologize

Last week, I published a three-part series of blog posts complaining about the omnipresence of advertising.
What a waste of time.
It was tired, pedantic and came off as something written by an old constipated man in a letter to the editor of his local newspaper. Except it wasn't funny. And that's the worst thing; it wasn't funny. I thought it would be but it just wasn't. It wasn't my intention to churn out some uninspired, pedestrian rant about something that doesn't really matter and isn't going anywhere, but that's what happened. Oops! I'll admit to being distracted by a personal matter, but that's no excuse. I served up some really lame material and I'm sorry. You deserve better than that and I plan to make it up to you. One at a time, if necessary. That could take a while, though, so let's hope it doesn't come to that.
In the meantime, please accept my apology and this picture of Adolph Hitler wearing a pair of bunny ears as a token of my sincerity.

"Ich bin ein Hasenpfeffer! Moo!"

I'm sure all of us weirdos agree

"Goodbye, Jonathan Winters, and thank you. You taught me that being a weirdo could be a vocation." - Sarah Thyre

Madvertising (part 3)

When people put up signs, they expect you to read them. They spend hundreds if not thousands of hours, and at least that much money, to come up with something designed to draw your attention to it. Colors, lighting, font style, logos. All designed to stand out and catch your eye. It doesn't matter how many signs there are in a given area, they may not expect you to look at every one of them, but everybody who posts one expects you to look at theirs, process the information on it and then take some sort of action. That's why most roadways look like this:

And this:

If the signs weren't there, including the handy directional/informative ones the government puts up, it would look like this:

And this:

And of course, none of this takes into account the guy screaming at you on the radio while you're driving.
What's my point? Well, I guess if I had one, it would be that while I think that texting and driving is a bad idea, I think it's a little disingenuous to act like distracted driving is a new thing and that if people just stop texting, it won't be a problem anymore.

Madvertising (part 2)

Remember when billboards were just a flat surface with a picture and some words on it? Once in a while, somebody would throw a 3-D effect in there or something would move or maybe blow smoke rings. But for the most part, a billboard was just a big, flat rectangle and two guys in coveralls and painters caps would climb up there and mop a picture on to it. That image would stay up there for months, get faded from exposure to the sun or start peeling off in shreds under assault from the weather.

Those days are gone. Check out this monstrosity located in downtown Tampa...  

In case you can't tell, this is a digital billboard and it changes every few seconds, all day long. These are becoming the standard and you probably have a few of them near you right now. This one is tricked out with a satellite dish (to receive and download new content), a camera (so the billboard company, and presumably the sponsors who advertise on it, can monitor what's displayed at any given time) and a computer with its own self-contained air conditioning unit.

It's not only bigger than my apartment, it's outfitted with more amenities.

Madvertising (part 1)

Wherever you are right now, there are several items all around you emblazoned with logos. These logos aren't put there by the manufacturer to keep their corporate competitors from stealing things. They're not like cattle brands. They're there to remind you of their presence in your life and ultimately, to influence your spending habits. You are surrounded by advertsing. It's everywhere and there's no escaping it. From a purely scientific standpoint, here is exactly what your environment is comprised of right now:

• Water or other liquids - 13%
• Furniture or other stuff to sit on - 15%
• Nothing (aka oxygen) - 34%
• Advertising -  38%

 Don't believe me? Here's a snapshot of my immediate desk environment at work:

From left to right...

• Swingline stapler, as seen in the movie "Office Space"
• Coffee mug from First Avenue & 7th St. Entry, a nightclub in Minneapolis
• Speaker made by Logitech
• Cal Ripken bobblehead in a Charlotte Stone Crabs uniform, a giveaway item sponsored by Advanced Imaging of Port Charlotte
• Computer screen with about 20 different Microsoft product logos
• Joe Maddon bobblehead in a Tampa Bay Rays uniform, a giveaway item sponsored by the Tampa Bay Times
• Tampa Bay Lightning hockey puck
• Souvenir hockey puck ccommemorating last year's "Frozen Four" with logos from the NCAA, Boston College, University of Minnesota, University of Massachusetts and Ferris State University on it
• Little green rubber alien toy (origin unknown)
• Miniature statue of Phil Esposito, which was a giveaway item sponsored by Kane's Furniture at a Lightning game last year
• Another speaker made by Logitech
• A pen and pencil holder made by Eldon containing pens made by Bic and Sharpie and one given away by GTE Federal Credit Union

Keep in mind, this is stuff I put there. These are the things with which I choose to surround myself. There are no pop-up ads or handbills or any otherwise obtrusive commercial breaks. Yet, out of all the stuff that I'll stare at, and will stare back at me, for (at least) eight hours today and 40 hours over the week, exactly one thing, a cheap rubber toy, isn't seeking to influence my spending for more office supplies or tickets or souvenir t-shirts or newspaper subscriptions or college tuitions or other goods and services. And why do I even have the stupid little rubber toy? I don't recall when, where or why I got it, but if I had to guess, I'd say I've become so conditioned to a constant barrage of advertising on every one of my senses at all waking hours that I probably found myself at a point in my life where I had gone more than five minutes without spending any money on stupid shit that serves no purpose which made me feel weird and sick, so I felt obligated to drop a quarter into a gumball machine to make myself feel better.
It's enough to make you afraid to look around... which is what we'll do here Wednesday.

Anatomy of a hilarious anecdote

Someone I work with thinks they're hilarious. This is a story they told this morning...

SET-UP: Another co-worker mentioned that a shirt they washed last night is ruined because it shrunk in the washing machine.
EXPRESSION OF EMPATHY: "That happens to me too!"
ESTABLISHMENT OF PREMISE; IN THIS CASE, A ROUTINE THAT SHOULD YIELD CONSISTENT RESULTS: "I wash my clothes the exact same way every time."
WILDLY UNUSUAL VARIANCE: "And sometimes, something will shrink."
INCREDULOUS REACTION, DELIVERED VIA CURRENTLY RELEVANT, ALBEIT HIGHLY OVER-USED POP CULTURE CATCH-PHRASE: "I'm like, 'really?'."
HILARITY ENSUES: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Guns don't kill people, dumpsters might though

Hey, do you know what's kind of obnoxious about this enormous dumpster taking up several prime parking spots in my apartment complex, aside from influencing people from parking their vehicles that way (see the truck in the background)?

It's this sign...

"DO NOT PLAY ON OR AROUND".It doesn't say "DO NOT CLIMB INSIDE AND SCAVENGE FOR FOOD OR SCRAP METAL" or "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MOVE WITHOUT PROPER EQUIPMENT". That's because the first thing someone thinks when they see this thing piled high with construction debris is WEEEEEEEEEEE!! Sure, it doesn't resemble a bouncy castle or a swingset ; it's a dumpster. It's for the disposal of detritus, jettisoning junk and removing rubbish, by self-evident definition, not something to play on or around. Still, somebody thought it was a good idea to remind people not to play around with it. And that's still not even the obnoxious thing; the obnoxious thing is that it's undoubtedly a good and necessary idea. It's almost easier to picture some stupid kid playing around in there than not Or more likely, an "adult". It's certainly easy to understand how the people who own the dumpster wouldn't want to be responsible in any way for some idiot of any age climbing in there and hitting their big dumb head or cutting themselves on a piece of rusty jagged sheet metal, passing out, getting hauled to the dump and buried to death.Who wants to be sued for something so dumb? 

Trust me when I tell you there's nothing fun in, around or about that stupid, nasty dumpster, okay?

Now, does this look infected to you?

Symbolicity

I don't have a lot of decorative accessories on my truck. I firmly believe that there's way too much oversharing of information when it comes to how people trick out their rides. Being behind you at a traffic light is not where I should find out how you voted in the last election, that you have a wife, three kids and a dog, two of the kids are honor students (who dropped the ball on #3 there?), that you run marathons, you're a big fan of the Boston Celtics and that your back window is dedicated to the loving memory of someone who died at the age of 23. Also, if you have more than four band stickers on the back of your car, you're a bigger fan of stickers than you are of music.
However, I recently expressed my appreciation of a certain decoration and didn't know where to find one. My friend Donna got me one for my birthday (the only person who gave me an actual birthday gift, by the way, sniff and sob). Here it is...

SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW - The fish that the dino is munching on is an Ichthys or Ichthus or Ikhthus from the Koine Greek word ( ΙΧΘΥΣ or ΙΧΘΥϹ) for "fish" and that ΙΧΘΥΣ (Ichthys) is an acronym for "Ίησοῦς Χριστός, Θεοῦ Υἱός, Σωτήρ", (Iēsous Christos, Theou Yios, Sōtēr), which translates into English as "Jesus Christ, God's Son, Savior".

I like it because I like dinosaurs, not because I'm knocking Christians or making any kind of religious statement at all really. I do think it's funny though. I fully recognize that this doesn't absolve me from possibly offending someone, that my little chuckle doesn't negate the feelings of someone who places value in that particular symbol. Even though, at least in the case of the Baronyx, it's historically accurate...

Point being, I realize that one day somebody might say something to me about it and I'll have to make a decision about how I respond to that.

This was on my mind the other day when I found myself behind someone in traffic who had the traditional Ichthys on the back of their car. It was heavily on my mind when I passed them and ended stopped at a red light with them directly behind me. Now I felt like I'm just thrusting my irreverent, blasphemous, disrespectful truck art right in their face. "Yeah, take it. You like that? Urgh!! Yeah! You like that?" I sat there glancing back and forth between the red light in front of me and the driver behind me, wondering if he was going to get out of the car and tap on my window with a softball bat. Imagine my surprise when... absolutely nothing happened.
The light turned green, I drove off, they eventually turned and I never saw them again.
I waste a lot of time worrying about stuff that never happens.

A short conversation between an NFL player and the team physician

"How's it look, doc?"
"Well, not good, frankly. The results are in and it looks like you have failed the physical exam. This essentially voids your contract with the team."
"Wow. This is a lot to process. I guess I'll need to worry about my career options later, but more importantly, am I okay? Do I have serious medical issues that need immediate attention?"
"Who gives a shit? Next!"

Temptation keeps me on the run

I really like my job. That wasn't the case for a long time, specifically those couple of years of my life that went down the toilet when I worked for the worst hotel in the world (message me privately if you're planning a visit to the Tampa Bay area so you don't wind up in this shithole by accident). But now, yeah, I'm very happy and I really don't want to lose my job. Not just because looking for work, specifically when you have to look for work, is a horrific experience but because I am just that happy.
In spite of that (or maybe because of it), I find myself challenged and tempted by circumstances that could easily result in my termination. For example, recently my company sponsored a 5K fun run and a week or so after it was over, a participant called in for the results. I resisted my natural urges and am thankfully still employed, but this is how that call could have gone if I were a person of even slightly weaker resolve...

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: Are you Kenyan, sir?
Caller: Um...what?
Me: Are you from Kenya? It's in east Africa.
Caller: No.
Me: Well, you didn't win then.

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: Were you alone when you got to the finish line, sir?
Caller: Um...what?
Me: Were there other people at the finish line when you got there, people who got there before you did?
Caller: Yes.
Me: Well, you didn't win then.

Caller: Hi, I participated in the fun run last week and just wanted to check the results.
Me: You didn't win.
Caller: I realize that but I'd still like to know how I did.
Me: Oh, because you're trying to gauge how well you did in comparison with the the other participants, just for your own sake?
Caller: Yes, exactly.
Me: You lost.

Maydecembering

As I careen clumsily towards becoming a bonafide old man, I find myself developing a deeper understanding of things I either didn't get at all or only understood superficially before. One of those things is older men dating younger women. Like, women young enough to be their daughters. I mean, I'm not going to start doing that because it's creepy and pathetic, but I think I get the appeal. I mean beyond all the obvious superficial and stereotypical reasons, there's another level that most people don't take into consideration: older mature women have already seen everything. What I mean by that is that you can't shock them. When you're looking for a companion, you want someone on whom you can make some kind of impression. Since, in all likelihood, we (men at this age) have already done everything that anybody would consider good or nice or pleasant, the only impression left to make is to horrify someone with our awfulness. Women my age are likely to have been around the block at least as many times as I have and are probably jaded to some degree. Not that the purpose of being in a relationship is to startle your partner, but when you're old and disgusting and you introduce something horrible to your partner, be it a kinky, perverted habit or just a disgusting part of your body or your life in general, you not only expect, but kind of want more of a reaction than, "Yeah? And?".

"So... now you know."
"Okay then. Thanks."
"Thanks? No thoughts on that...?"
"Listen, my last boyfriend and I broke up because I caught him wearing my heels. I've already seen your feet and they're much larger than mine so I figure I'm already ahead of the game."
"Well, thanks, but..."
"Wait, you said you have a job, right?"
"Huh? Yeah, I have a job."
"Whew. All right then. Everything's fine."

That's not a conversation you're ever going to have with a girl in her 20s. Like I said, I'm not going to go all mid-life crisis and start dating embryos. But I understand one of the underlying reasons why other old dudes do.

Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy!

Hey kids of all ages, remember when you were little and your favorite thing in the whole world was to pay a visit to Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy?

"Uncle Andy's? Why, sure I do! I loved going to Uncle Andy's! Candy, as far as the eye could see, any kind you could think of. And the train! He had that wonderful toy train that ran around the entire store. Wow, I haven't thought of that in ages!"

"My goodness, how could I ever forget Uncle Andy's! I would sit for hours and just watch the little toy train make it's way around the store... while eating more than my share of jelly beans, of course. Ha ha!"

"It really was like a magical place; any kind of candy you could think of. And that marvelous little train! I loved that train! Such a delightful childhood memory. I sure do miss good ol' Uncle Andy."

Good news! Uncle Andy is still around and you can step right back into the enchanted days of yesteryear with a visit to Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy! 

"Yeah, I'm still here, you rat bastards. I mean, the store isn't where it was but it still exists and I still own it. I had to move out of downtown in the 1970's, when it became overrun with junkies, bums and the coloreds. I was in that location for 32 years and since I moved out, it's been six different homo discotheques and burned down twice. All the stores downtown moved to the mall so I did too. I made a go of it there for a while but damn if the same thing that happened downtown didn't happen there too. Mostly in terms of the coloreds. Now, I'm in some non-descript utility warehouse facility out by the highway. It's fine except it's not a place where you're going to find a lot of kids. Obviously, that's not ideal for a good old fashioned candy store. On the other hand, most of my sales are in bulk now so I don't have to bother setting up displays anymore; everything just stays in cardboard boxes, stacked up along the walls. I knew 20 years ago that retirement was a pipe dream and I have bills to pay, so here I am. Honestly, I had hoped I'd be dead by now but I guess God hates me. Every so often, somebody will stop by who used to come in to the store downtown when they were children. They have fat, ugly kids of their own now, and they drag them in here and ask me where the train is, a train I haven't had since some filthy Puerto Rican kid stole the engine just before I moved the hell out of the mall. I'll tell you like I tell them; If you want to look at trains, go down to the goddamn freight yard with the rest of the hobos. Otherwise, unless you're interested in buying a carton of malted milk balls, get the hell out of here and leave me alone, you shit weasels."

"You know, now that I think about it, I remember Uncle Andy usually smelling like whiskey and how he used to warn me and my friends to behave ourselves by showing us a baseball bat he kept behind the counter. And not just a regular baseball bat; this one had nails sticking out of it."

"He was forever sticking his hands down his pants and if he caught you looking at him, he'd mutter something about keeping his shirt tucked in. I was little and naive then but I knew there was something not right about that."

"I stopped in at his store at the old mall once to see if he still had that little toy train. I didn't even touch it but he yelled at me to keep my hands to myself. Then for some reason, he called me a filthy Puerto Rican and came after me with an old baseball bat with nails sticking out of it. On second thought, fuck Uncle Andy. I thought he was dead and I'm sorry to hear that he isn't."

Here comes the neighborhood

Yesterday, I saw this article about the latest rad protest against everybody's favorite universally-despised hate mongers, the modern-day Nazis known as the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). 
A gentleman named Aaron Jackson found a house for sale across the street from the WBC headquarters in Topeka, Kansas, bought it and is painting it the colors of the rainbow flag. Jackson is a founding member of Planting Peace and the house will be known as "Equality House"

"We want this house to be a message that where there's hate, there's also love. But we also want to raise awareness and capital, and we want to put all that money into creating and sustaining anti-bullying programs, along with supporting anti-bullying programs that already exist," he said. "Beyond the symbolic message of the home, [the house] will be utilized by volunteers to live here, and these volunteers will work on promoting equality anywhere in the world and managing these anti-bullying initiatives that we plan on creating."

That all sounds fine. The only thing that keeps me from pumping my fist and yelling, "HELL YEAH!" is that I think the WBC is kind of overstated as an actual menace. Don't get me wrong; there's no question that they're opportunistic parasites who promote an unspeakably ugly agenda. Their antics have pushed my buttons and raised my ire more than a few times over the years, too. I question how much of an actual threat they pose, though. Their tactics and message aren't going to appeal to anybody who isn't already twisted in that direction. They're extremists on the outer edge of the fringe and will never enjoy anything resembling mainstream credibility. If you dig just a little deeper than the inflammatory news reports of their plans to show up at this tragic event or that, it becomes obvious that they're far more interested in getting attention than they are with gaining converts or sending anybody to hell. It's even more pathetic than attention seeking behavior; it's a money hustle. When you really look at it, it's all pretty transparent. 

I could be wrong about that but I don't think I am. Do a search on YouTube for "Westboro Baptist Church" and you'll find several counter protests, many of which are sincere and inspiring. But as you peruse, you'll start finding some where those who have a legitimate reason to be upset about the WBC are replaced by a douche-y, frat boy, yokels-with-pitchforks looking for kicks element, where the mindset isn't "this is inappropriate and a counter-statement must be made for the sake of what's right", it's "hey, let's pound some PBRs and go down to the cemetery and fuck with the freaks!". I'll bet Shirley Phelps eyes turn into dollar signs like a Tex Avery cartoon character when she sees those cement heads show up. A punch in the face equals money in the bank.
I wish Mr. Jackson nothing but success. Far be it from me to tell people what should or shouldn't upset them and how they should or shouldn't react. Heaven knows that nobody could ever be faulted for the infuriating antics of the WBC getting in their head and I'm definitely not saying that hate mongering should go unchallenged. But I really do believe that without the attention they crave, and need to keep their lights on, that they'd shrivel up and die. They're utterly lacking in substance beyond their made-for-reality-tv train wreck appeal, which has already carried them further than it should have. If anything, Jackson's approach is clever and likely to be far more effective than trying to pick a fight with or throw a rock at a member of the Phelps family, even though a rock upside the head is exactly what those people deserve. Personally, I've seen the WBC's act and I'm convinced that's all it is and it's all they've got. I'm far more afraid of organizations that aren't as flamboyant as the WBC in pressing their agendas of hate (hint: they tend to throw the word "family" around a lot). Those are the people who have the ability to exi$t in the main$tream and manipulate it to their benefit. That's who I'll be keeping my eyes on.

Subtlety, as personified by the WBC.

McContingency plan

McDonald's ran a special promotion during the recent St. Patrick's Day weekend; between the hours of 11pm and 4am, Big Mac sandwiches for just $1.00!

So if not enough people were going to throw up already, you can't say that McDonald's didn't do their part.