I'm pretty sure these pants are going to be fine

It takes a lot for a pair of pants to impress me. I put a lot of careful consideration into the purchase of pants. It's just something I feel I have to do. Believe me, I've been let down by pants before, plenty of times. Pants with not enough legs, pants with too many legs, pants with no legs whatsoever (also known as 'skirts'). Pants that already had somebody else's keys in the pocket. Pants that already had somebody else's legs in the parts where the legs go (these would probably be called sleeves if we were talking about shirts, but we're not talking about shirts here, are we? No, we are not. Try to keep up). Pants that were the wrong color. Unsuitable pants of all kinds. But so far, I have to admit these pants are doing a fine job of covering my legs and genitals. But not only that; they're doing just a super job of covering my ass too. See, that's where too many people let their guard down. They forget to make sure the pants are covering their ass. That's how people wind up parading around in assless pants and everything just goes straight to hell. You tell them, "Hey idiot, where's the rest of your pants, you idiot? The ass covering part, I mean. Idiot!" Then they try to put their own spin on things by saying that they're chaps, not pants. You helpfully try to correct them by yelling, "Hey idiot, feeling a little draft back there? Did you forget something this morning? Such as, I don't know, maybe some kind of a garment that covers up YOUR ASS? Damn, idiot!!" Then they point out that they're actually wearing pants underneath their assless, so-called "chaps", which is true, but you ignore that and keep calling them an idiot. That's when they usually get all angry and the next thing you know, you're being escorted out and informed that your presence is no longer welcome at the gay rodeo. What's the world coming to when people at a gay rodeo won't listen to a guy who knows and cares about what's supposed to go into...and not come out of...a successful pair of pants?