Saturday, June 28, 2008

Hey bartender!

At my favorite adult gathering place (adult, as in not kids. Kids, and by "kids", I mean "children", if you're reading this, A. Stop it and B. Don't go to my favorite adult gathering place. Nobody wants you there. I consider myself a nobody and I don't want you there, so I guess technically it's nobody DOESN'T want you there. Take that, underage children and English language!) I was recently treated to something I'd never had before: the Bay Breeze, which consists of vodka, pineapple juice and cranberry juice. It's a little fruity, but not too much, and very refreshing. A perfect drink for summertime. I like it so much that when I was invited to a party, I thought it would be nice to make a batch to bring along. I asked the bartender how to make them and she said "I don't really follow a recipe, I just kind of make them. You want to watch me?" I thanked her and told her but I don't really learn visually, or at all for that matter, so I would just get the recipe from the most reliable source of information in the world: the first web site I came across after a cursory search on the internet.

Now, I'm not a bartender but I'm fairly competent when it comes to following clearly worded instructions. And as you can see, the instructions clearly call for 3 parts vodka, one part pineapple juice and one part cranberry juice. 60%, 20% and 20%. Pretty simple! Sure, it sounds kinda strong, but I want it kinda strong. Besides, it's on the internet. What's not to trust? So I got my supplies together and with the aid of my trusty clear Pyrex mixing cup, I started mixing the concoction.

Let me take a second here to tell you a little something about vodka. It's strong stuff with a very unique taste. Like tear gas. There's a reason nobody ever strolls up to a bar and asks for something nice and vodka-ey and that is that nobody really hates themselves that much. You will never see someone just order glasses of straight vodka. The only reason you would ever want to do that is to make the coroner's job a little easier, allowing them to just write the word "vodka" under cause of death. When you get a sip of straight vodka, bolts of invisible lightning form in your mouth, bounce around your sinuses for a few seconds and then shoot of your eye sockets.

At least that's what it seemed like when I took a trial sip. I don't know what the hell happened to all the pineapple and cranberry juice I had poured in there. Maybe the vodka overpowered them, tied them up and stuffed a gag in their mouths so they couldn't warn me to watch out. There was nothing remotely refreshing about it. Getting a shot of pure vodka-flavored vodka when you're expecting something fruity and refreshing will make you temporarily speak another language and it ain't Russian. I think what I said was something like "Wow woo woo wee wow wow woo wow wow". Obviously, any time you put something in your mouth expecting it to be one thing but it turns out to be something else, that's going to happen (apply that to your own personal life experiences if you're having trouble relating to the whole vodka thing. I'm not here to judge).

Anyway, I knew I couldn't tell people I was bringing something called Bay Breeze and then show up with something that was closer to Siberian Winter of Chemical Weapon-Induced Death so I dumped in all the rest of the cranberry juice, all the rest of the pineapple juice, then some orange juice and every ice cube I could get my hands on. That did the trick, which is good because after that, all I had to throw in there would have been milk. Of course, I wouldn't have had this problem if I'd just taken the time to look at another web site or two, such as this one, where you'll notice the ratio of booze to mixers is basically reversed. But, you know, what's the fun in that?


Gadzooks64 said...

We all know I love my Cran-ka.

Your drink sounds awesome as well. Well the final version, the one without the kerosene.

Just remember: everything on the internet is bigger, faster, hawter, sexier, stronger, maler, smarter, funnier than in real life. All of it has to be diluted before it resembles reality.

Wildhair said...

Remember that things on the Internet are not always what they appear to be. AND, the 'Net is a typo haven ... and such. Me thinks someone is a prankster on the site where you found your concoction.

Lightning from your eye sockets. Zoinks!