Thursday, June 12, 2008

A short conversation about this fully armed and operational battle station

"Fire at will, commander (destroys the planet of Alderaan). Well, what do you think about th...wait a minute. Are-are you doing that sarcastic slow clap thing? God, I hate that!"

"Yeah, well, wow. Way to go. This is a big moment for you, I guess?"

"I just destroyed an entire planet!"

"Yeah, I saw that. A planet that I had just told you was a peaceful world with no weapons."


"It wasn't even moving! I mean, other than it's natural rotation around however many suns they have...excuse me, had. You dick."

"I-I can not comprehend how you are not suitably impressed by this awesome display of destructive might!"

"What's the big deal? You and a whole crew of guys were able to sneak up on an unarmed, stationary target the size of a planet and hit it with a laser that had to warm up like a 1950's television. What is that, a cathode ray tube? It's really not all that impressive when you think about it."

"That was Alderaan! Your home planet! All your friends and family, dead! Just like that!"

"Ok, Let me explain something to you. I'm a princess, I was a member of the Imperial Senate, I'm a leader of the rebel alliance, space travel is my primary mode of transportation and I happen to look smokin' hot in a metallic bikini. In other words, I have a lot going on and I don't have time to get weepy every time I hear bad news from back home. I'm not exactly the kind of person who's going to show up at the high school reunion, you know?"

"I...I don't know what to say."

"Listen, I know you're all really super impressed with your new, gigantic, spherical toy. Very subtle, by the way. Where's the other one?"

"I...uh, I don't get...what do you mean?"

"Never mind. What do you call this thing anyway?"

"It's a Death Star!"

"Death Star?!? You have got to be kidding. You should have called it 'Planet Lame'. How do you get to work every morning? In your Doom Cruiser or your Destructomobile? Or does your mom drop you off?"

"Now wait a minute..."

"What a bunch of losers. It might have been a better idea if you'd blown up the planet filled with teddy bears. They pose more of a threat than Alderaan ever did. After all, they have rocks and sticks."

"Well, now I think you're just trying to be hurtful..."

"Whatever. I'm going back to my suite. I noticed you assholes forgot to cover the exhaust port so try not to get this stupid thing blown up before I get rescued, okay? How's that for constructive criticism?"

"(Under his breath) See? Was that so hard?"


Wildhair said...

THAT! IS! HILARIOUS! You get the full blown snort.

Rick said...

This was laugh out loud funny, Clark. You should've written SPACEBALLS not Mel Brooks, who made it not the least bit funny.

Maybe you could write a parody script of your own. Keep the same kind of POV and energy and you'd make a million. Call it STAR WHORES. Or PARIS IN SPACE. Or something that's actually funny. I leave it up to you. ;-)