Monday, November 10, 2008

New holiday


I am hereby proposing a new holiday: "Don't Kill Somebody Day". This would be the easiest, most stress-free holiday ever. No cards, no gifts, no cakes. Ok, people like cake. We can have cake if we want. But we don't have to. The really important part is to get as many people as possible to spend a day without killing somebody. Doesn't that just sound nice? Good for the soul, good for the environment, good for the economy (I guess). I don't have a date in mind. It really doesn't matter that much. How's next Thursday look? Why not tomorrow? Did you kill somebody today? Well heck, then today is as good as any. See how easy this is? You may already be participating in this brand new holiday and not even realize it! If you're still not sure how this works, check out the FAQ below:

  • I didn't kill anybody today. May I have some cake? Hey, good for you! Yes, by all means, have some cake! That's what we're talkin' about, people!
  • I thought about killing somebody today, but I didn't do it. That's great! You are definitely in the spirit!
  • Yeah, but I really wanted to kill this person. I'm not sure I deserve cake. Of course you do! You didn't do it! Perfect!
  • Umm, I was lying. I did kill somebody today. Uh-oh. That's not good.
  • So I guess I'll just put this piece of cake back. Well, you already have it and it looks like you took a bite so go ahead. But try to work on that for next year, ok?
  • You're almost out of cake back here. You know, like I said before, cake isn't really supposed to be that big a part of it...
  • What if I kill somebody every day EXCEPT for today? Well, wow. That's really not...you know. Wow.
  • What if it's my job to kill somebody, like I'm a hitman? Do I get the day off from work? Yes.
  • Will the banks and post office be open? Yes, I think so. Banks, probably. Post office, maybe not. I'm not sure.
  • How about schools? Schools will definitely be open.
  • I'm a teacher and that's bullshit. How does a hitman get the day off but I have to work? I hadn't thought about that...
  • I just heard there was free cake. Where is it? I would kill somebody for a piece of sweet, delicious cake! That's entirely NOT what we're going for here.
  • The cake is all gone. Who should I kill about this? Back to work, everybody.

1 comment:

Wildhair said...

Do you know how many times I've returned from work and declared "It was a good day. I didn't kill anybody."

Cake. mmmmm