Monday, November 17, 2008

Who ordered this?

This all started some time in the early to mid '80s, when macaroni got all uppity and noodles insisted on being called pasta. Overnight, it turned into, "What kind of pasta do you want?". What do you mean? I ordered Spaghetti. "Yeah, but do you want vermicelli, linguine, fettuccine, rigatoni, angel hair, multi-grain, tri-colored, bow tie..." Oh my god, who cares?!? Just boil up whatever noodles are laying around, put the sauce on there, bring it out and let me eat it. If not for the fact that society doesn't condone me sitting here eating spaghetti sauce and meatballs right out of the pot with a ladle while wearing a bib made out of garlic bread, which I would eat when I'm done, there would be no reason for noodles...excuse me, even exist.
It's completely out of control now and there are new, unnecessary food items coming out all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying these things are bad. They're not hurting anyone and it's nice that they exist, but they don't really contribute anything worthwhile either. So they could disappear tomorrow and you probably wouldn't miss them. I'm talking about the Meg Whites of food.
  • Ciabatta bread - Like noodles, bread is one of those foods that only exists to put other stuff to eat on. Because it's been deemed unacceptable to grab a fistful of ham and cheese, squirt some mayo and mustard in there and walk around gnawing on it like a viking warrior, we have to have bread. Well, excuse me, Lord and Lady Wipe-every-time-you-use-the-toilet-whether-you-need-to-or-not! Thanks for the edible napkins. And I guess it's not enough that there are more varieties of bread than there are countries that eat it, somebody had to go invent another one and name it after a Star Wars character.
  • Asiago Cheese - There are as many varieties of cheese as there are people walking the planet right now, all of which have been around since the horse was invented. Meanwhile, we haven't cured a disease since Polio. That didn't stop some asshole from inventing Asiago cheese, which is used, along with the cursed ciabatta bread, to make paninis.
  • Panini - It's just a sandwich. It's a couple hunks of bread with stuff between it. That's a sandwich. People will tell you that it's somehow superior to a regular sandwich but they won't be able to tell you why. These people are fools and they're eating The Emperor's New Sandwich. If somebody tries pulling that on you, you feel free to knock their panini out of their hands on to the floor and ask them what they call it now. Then slap them across their fat face and storm right out of there in tears. I'll guarantee they think twice before ordering another one...or going to lunch with you ever again.
  • Stuff with chipotle in it - I honestly thought chipotle was a breed of horse. So whenever I hear 'chipotle', I think of horses. Oddly enough, that doesn't make my mouth water. That's a picture of some chipotles up there. That doesn't do it for me either.
  • Applewood smoked bacon - What. In the hell. Is that. Note to people who eat stuff: when it comes to fruit that grows on trees, it's the fruit that tastes like fruit, not the branches. I wouldn't cook wienies over a fire from burning orange tree branches and expect a hot dog to taste like a Mimosa. So why would I expect apple wood to alter the flavor of bacon? Do you know any bacon enthusiasts who have any complaints about how bacon tastes? Of course not! They love it because it tastes like bacon! So who wants this anyway? Psychos, that's who: "Dear bacon manufacturer, I really love bacon. But boy, do I ever hate apples. I sure wish I could enjoy eating bacon to the fullest and thereby live a truly satisfying and meaningful life but my loathing for apples and everything about them prevents me from doing so. Can you please come up with a product that combines your delicious pork product and my pathological desire to set fire to apple orchards?"
  • Raspberry vinaigrette salad dressing - While there may be a wide variety of offshoots, all salad dressings have their roots in one of two categories 1) clear and 2) opaque. So what in the hell is raspberry vinaigrette? It's neither. It's both. It's nothing less than a goddamn abomination.
  • Honey mustard may just be the ultimate example of a completely unnecessary food item. Honey mustard is good for things like chicken nuggets, chicken sandwiches, chicken tenders, or salads...with chicken in them. Basically, anything as long as chicken is the primary component. Otherwise, you will never, ever eat honey mustard anything. What a huge waste of time and space this stuff is. In the old days if some wiseacre had come up with a condiment that could only be used with one kind of food, they'd have set his mustache on fire, tied and gagged him and set him adrift over the Atlantic Ocean in a hot air balloon.


Gadzooks64 said...

Bacon? Did somebody say bacon?

Denise said...

Honey Mustard + Soft Pretzel. Mmm Hmm.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Bacon wrapped chicken pretzel!