Thursday, September 03, 2009

Hey, Ben & Jerry! What gives?!?

I've accepted the fact that nobody is ever going to recognize and commemorate my life and good works by naming a school or a bridge or even a traffic cone after me (the fact that there are no such good works to recognize or commemorate is incidental). But as a big, fat (former) husband, at least I had Ben & Jerry throwing me a shout-out via their Chubby Hubby ice cream.
Until now.
To mark the legalization of same-sex marriages in Vermont, the ice cream company has changed the name of Chubby Hubby to Hubby Hubby for the month of September.
Double You Tea Eff, Ben and Jerry?
Look, I love my gay brothers and sisters. I do! It's not about that. But seriously, gay guys already get everything. They get the good hair, they get the nice smells, they get to openly admire rainbows without having to pretend like they're being ironic, they get all the straight girls (seriously, every single straight woman I know has at least one gay guy "BFF" with whom they spend all their time together taking their clothes off in front of each other, swapping gropes and giggling about it) and now they not only get an ice cream flavor, but mine gets taken away from me and given to them! Now I know exactly how Native Americans felt because this is exactly the same thing. Plus, where's the lesbian ice cream? Where's Wifey Wifey or whatever you would call it? Who speaks for the poor, forgotten, downtrodden, ice cream-less lesbians? I do, that's who. Clark Brooks (you're welcome, lesbians). But I don't have a big fancy ice cream factory where I could make and eat all the ice cream I want and call it whatever name I feel like and eat it and use it to make commentary on socio-political issues and eat some more of it, do I? No, I do not.
Not cool, Ben and/or Jerry.
Do you think this is going to boost sales, gain you some new fans? HA! Have either of you ever seen a gay man? I have. Many of them have taut, sinewy dancer bodies with six-pack abs (note: all men with taut, sinewy dancer bodies with six-pack abs are gay. Remember that true fact of science, straight ladies. You're also welcome) and they ain't gettin' nowheres near none of your ice cream, no matter what you call it. The rest of them who don't fit that proto-stereotype might eat it...but they don't feel good about it.
This is bullshit, B & J.
I understand it's temporary and you're changing the name back next month. I guess your hope is that I'll still be here willing to shell out for your product in spite of how much this gesture has hurt my feelings. You got lucky this time in that you're 100% correct. That doesn't mean I have to like it, even though I do.
So cut the crap, Ben & Jerry.
You too, gay dudes (especially with the hogging of all the straight girls. Seriously, what is that? Come on!).


Ruprecht said...


That's what Rupe is.

Torn between what you've said, Clark, and torn between the "more power to you for naming the name you named" for this ice cream, B&J.

Ben and/or Jerry can do whatever they want, Clark, and we don't have to like it ... but the fact remains:

Ben and/or Jerry can do whatever they want.

gadzooks64 said...

They just need to name a flavor for us: Chubby Chubby.

Works for me.