Wednesday, October 07, 2015

An ethical gimmick

"ST. PETERSBURG — The owner of a Florida media company said Monday that radio host Bubba The Love Sponge Clem tried to influence the listening habits of a person who was participating in a ratings survey.
In a statement, Beasley Media said Clem was contacted directly by someone who had a ratings device to measure listening habits. Nielsen calculates its ratings by putting listening devices that resemble pagers on people.
The Beasley statement said Clem and his staff must undergo ratings compliance training." - Gainesville Sun, October 5, 2015
WALTER: Okay, welcome to Ratings Compliance Training. My name is Walter Mermud from the AC Nielsen company and I'll admit right up front that I don't really teach this course very often. Frankly, I've never taught it before. In fact, nobody has ever taught it before. There's usually just no need for it. Kind of a common sense thing when it comes to anybody who conducts themselves ethically, I guess. In light of certain recent events, however, your employer has determined that it's necessary so here we are. Let me verify that everyone who is supposed to be here is actually present and we'll begin. Todd Clem?
BUBBA: It's Bubba, legally, since 1999. And here.
WALTER: My sheet says "Todd"...
BUBBA: Bubba!
WALTER: Okay then. Manson?
MANSON: (in a different voice) Here.
WALTER: You already answered
BUBBA: He's a different guy sometimes. They're both here.
WALTER: All right then. 25 Cent?
25 CENT: (sighs) Yeah.
WALTER: Is that really your name, legally? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get started so we can get out of here. Now, the key thing to know about Ratings Compliance is that you should simply not interfere in any way with the process of gathering ratings. That's really all there is... Mr. Clem, what are you doing?
BUBBA: Huh? Oh, I'm trying to smash this pager gimmick open to see what's inside of it.
WALTER: That's one of our portable people meters and you shouldn't even have one, let alone try to open it for any reason.
BUBBA: Yeah, but I'm not doing it for ratings. I'm doing it to see if there's anything to eat inside.
WALTER: It's an electronic device! There's nothing edible about it! Where did you get it?
BUBBA: My lawyers gave it to me.
WALTER: My understanding is your lawyers aren't lawyers anymore.
BUBBA: Exactly. So it's all good. From a ethical gimmick.
WALTER: Please just put that down.
BUBBA: Here, 25. You and Manson open this up and see if there's some candy inside.
25 CENT: Anything you say, Bubba!
BUBBA: Get Ned to help you guys.
MANSON: Yes sir! (as Ned) Yes sir!
WALTER: I said to stop doing that!
BUBBA: You told me to put it down and I did. You didn't tell those three guys. Ethically, we're covered.
WALTER: There are only two guys and I want everyone to stop trying to...
25 CENT: Ooh! We got it! This looks like a battery!
BUBBA: Gimme that!
WALTER: Did you... did you just eat a battery?
BUBBA: Mmph? (with mouth full) That wasn't me, that was Mike Calta.
WALTER: Mr. Clem, I just saw you put a battery in your mouth.
BUBBA: (swallows hard) No sir. I don't currently have a delicious battery in my mouth any more right now. You're thinking of Mike Calta. Plus, I'm not sure it was a battery. It didn't taste like one. (puts shattered remains of portable people meter in his mouth) Mmm, crunchy!
MANSON: Technically, he's telling the truth!
25 CENT: Hurray! He's not guilty! We still have jobs!
BUBBA: I knew I'd be exonerated! The people have spoken! Court gimmick dismissed!
WALTER: Fine. Whatever. Please just sign these forms stating that you've completed the training and... and you're ignoring me and just walking right out. I'll sign off on these I guess.

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