Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Whom to hate THIS week (part 3): Hug It Out edition

Who is it?
It's Jennifer (Auntie Jen) Connell, Manhattan hors d'oeuvres enthusiast and asshole, who sued her nephew for hugging her too hard!

"Dad, why do I have to go to court?"
"Because you love your Auntie Jen."
"D-did I do something wrong?"
"Well, as a result of your enthusiastic display of affection four years ago, when you were 8-years-old, she now has difficulty holding a plate of hors d’oeuvres, so..."
"I'm a monster!! A monster!!"
"No, you aren't, son. It's okay. Your Auntie Jen is an asshole."
Happy ending: She lost!

A close runner-up, the attorney who wasted everyone's time by bringing her stupid, spiteful case to court, please welcome Mr. William (Bill) Beckert!

Mr. Beckert was quoted as saying
“(he) should have known better.”
“We do not take great pleasure in bringing a minor to court. She (Auntie Jen) is not here enjoying a moment of this. We have rules for children. He was not careful. He was unsafe.”

It is not known whether or not Beckert then lit a huge cigar with a $100 bill nor whether he is seeking to bring suit against the nephew for whatever role he may have had in his mother's death last year.

Any speculation about whether either of those things is true, or the possibility that Mr. William Beckert, a partner with the law firm of Jainchill and Beckert, LLC (the place you go when you want to sue a child), is an actual sentient piece of human fecal matter that somehow figured out how to talk and put on a suit, should be regarded as nothing more than irresponsible conjecture for the sake of LOLZ.

Previous entries under "Whom To Hate This Week" include Taylor Chapman, Paula Deen, and F&R Auto Sales of Westport, Massachusetts. All of the above have successfully met the qualifying criteria:

  1. Someone does something mean/stupid/thoughtless
  2. Somebody on the internet finds out
  3. The entire internet reacts by focusing their scorn directly on that person...
  4. ...until somebody else comes along.

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