My review of the grand and glorious spectacle of Super Bowl 50

I didn't watch it.
Sorry.

Please don't misinterpret this as "hating" (more about that later). Football's not my favorite sport but I do enjoy a cartoonishly over-the-top spectacle as much as anyone and I don't want to try to crap on anyone's enjoyment of the big game. If you watched it and enjoyed, it that's great! The Super Bowl has been more than just a football game for a long time now and I don't have a problem with that in itself, but for me, it's taken on such a life of its own that if I don't have a rooting stake in the game, I'm not interested in watching it. Here's why...

THE COMMERCIALS

It's not because they were better when blah blah blah, it's because the people who make them have become aware of just how big a spectacle the Super Bowl is and how big a part of that the commercials are. More than half the fun of these ads was being surprised by something funny, clever or (ideally) both. Now, you can watch all of them a week ahead of time. Talk about a spoiler.

THE HALFTIME SHOW

It doesn't matter who it is and what songs they play, people are going to hate it. Even if the you enjoy the show itself, listening to semi-professional haters who don't know the difference between snark and actual wit and who think they ARE the show weigh in on why it sucks is a complete downer and not worth it. You really want to avoid Twitter during this time. It's all the shitty people who feel it necessary to chime in during awards shows PLUS shitty sports fans PLUS shitty music critics forming an unholy and really shitty alliance. This applies to all aspects of the game but really comes out during the halftime show. It's really tedious and tiresome.

THE GAME ITSELF

Like I said, I'm not much of a football fan. That's fine if you are, but even the most diehard football fan has to admit that the championship game is a dud more often than not. More so than in any other sport, pro football's championship game is rarely as exciting as whole handfuls of games played during the regular season. I'm a hometown guy, though. That means if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in it, I'll get excited and make a point of watching. That also means I'm not liable to get excited and make a point of watching any time real soon.