Paradise By The Jumbotron Light

So I was at the Lightning game the other night (we lost, 3-1) and happened to find myself on the Kiss Cam (remember what I said about the people who work the cameras at sporting events?). If you've attended a sporting event, you've probably seen this. It's a little time waster they run during time-outs where they spot couples in the stands, throw their pictures up on the scoreboard, which is their cue to smooch. It's a crowd pleaser because it's cute and hilarity often ensues when some of the following scenarios occur:

• A kiss. 75% of the time, this is what happens. Typical crowd reaction: Polite applause.


• An elderly couple is spotted. Unlike 90% of today's generation of self-important jackasses, most older people are not conditioned to staring at a video screen whenever one is present just in case they should suddenly appear on it. So they are often caught unaware and need the prodding of 20,000 people to glance up and see themselves so they can get down on it. Typical crowd reaction: "Awwwww!"


• The couple refuse to kiss. Maybe they're brother and sister. Maybe they don't even know each other. Regardless, they're not going to be coerced into making out for the entertainment of the gathered multitudes. Typical crowd reaction: "Boooooo!"


• They show two guys (usually wearing the colors of the opposing team). The implication being that fans of the other team are gay. Get it? If the two guys are good sports, they laugh and accept the hoots and jeers in the spirit of fun. If they're exceptionally good sports, they may make a move to actually kiss each other, earning even louder hoots and jeers, but with admiration for going along with the gag. Typical crowd reaction: "Ha ha! Whatta coupla homos!" (while making a mental note to be very careful about what they wear if they ever attend a road game)


• Schtick. Such as when one of the two people reacts in an extremely enthusiastic manner to the opportunity to kiss the other person, to the extent that they look to the heavens and mouth the words "Thank You, God!" before lunging out of their seat to smother the person sitting next to them, especially if that other person is not prepared to improvise an act of their own. Typical crowd reaction: "Woooo! Get that, boy!!"

I'll leave it up to you to figure out which category I fell into (a gentleman doesn't discuss the details of such matters) but I will say that while this probably ranks second only to game 7 of the 2004 Stanley Cup finals as far as greatest nights I've spent in that building, my dear friend T-Riffic may never attend another sporting event in her life.