Thursday, January 14, 2010

Cut the crap, 2010!

I think it's safe to say that most people were really glad when 2009 ended. It was a long year (seemed like 300 something days) filled with calamity after tragedy after fucked-up situation. When it was finally over, people were more thankful than any time they had been since Thanksgiving, about six weeks prior. As a result, you, 2010, were given a very warm welcome. Everyone was very happy to see you show up. We toasted your arrival with champagne and wishes for nothing but success, certain that you would improve upon the multiple messes we were dealt by 2009. We were ready to love you before we even met you.
Well, so far, you're blowing it.
The cold weather everywhere had some novelty appeal for a while here in Florida, giving everyone something to talk about besides what our college football coaches are or aren't doing but now we're kind of tired of it. Tourists who come down here from Chicago and find out the climate is similar to that of Indianapolis are even less amused than the locals.
The earthquake in Haiti? H-U-U-U-GE mistake on your part. This is going to be a PR nightmare for you. While your assumption that you could sneak this in without anyone really noticing because nobody really cares about poor people is fundamentally correct in theory, you didn't take into account two very important factors:
  1. These poor people weren't Americans. While we don't always step up and actually do anything about poor people in foreign lands, we do notice them enough to shake our heads sadly at their plight and send our prettiest celebrities over for a chat.
  2. You basically killed almost all of them. This is already going to be easily one of the top five stories of the year and we're still in January. Too much, too soon.

And now today I wake up to discover Teddy Pendergrass died? Listen, celebrity deaths was 2009's little novelty act that wore out it's welcome. Between Ricardo Montalban, through Farrah Fawcett, Micheal Jackson, Walter Cronkite and Patrick Swayze to Brittany Murphy, we went from amused to amazed to kind of creeped out to tired of it. I really don't think you want to mine that territory any more.

So you're three weeks in and not off to a stellar start. That's the bad news. The good news is there's still plenty of time to rally. We're not ready to write you off...yet. But the honeymoon is most definitely over and you're going to have to come across with some make-up gifts. Here's a few suggestions:

  • A really good Super Bowl is a must. What used to be professional sports most boring championship game (in spite of being the biggest spectacle) has actually given us two really exciting games in a row. Typically, the Super Bowl used to be a huge blowout decided by halftime but after the Giants in 2008 and the Steelers in 2009 won exciting games that came down to the last few seconds the bar has been raised. You're going to have to give us a good game just to keep from going further into the red. Sorry. However, you can start earning plus points by giving us a really good World Series. It would be nice if you could give it to us before the month of November and the players have to wear those stupid hats with earflaps but we understand that's not your call (thanks a lot, television and greedy owners). So we'd appreciate a good World Series this year, preferably won by a team whose entire payroll is less than the salary of some team's lying, cheating, douchebag third baseman. There happens to be just such a team here in the Tampa Bay area. Just sayin'.
  • A win for Obama. In a way, you and Obama have a lot in common (see remarks regarding your arrival above). There are still quite a few people who don't regret voting for Barack Obama and haven't pitched everything they own that has the artwork of Shepard Fairey on it, but they've definitely taken some lumps lately. For their sake and Obama himself (and ultimately for the whole country, whether they want to admit it or not), you need to let the president have something go his way. Pass a bill. Appoint someone to something or other. Kick a terrorist off of Air Force One at 36,000 feet, snarling "get off my plane!". I don't know. Something.
  • Don't you think this whole cancer thing is kind of played out? I know I do. I'm sick and tired of hearing people I know having to use the word "biopsy". This might sound selfish, but at least on this one I'm trying to do my part to chip in and help.

So there's three pretty solid suggestions. Actually, if you just pull off that last one, you will be ranked among the greatest years of all time, just like 1927 (invention of the television!), 1962 (invention of Beatles!) and 1982 (invention of me not being a virgin!).


Jessie said...

A most spectacular post!

Our Vanilla Life said...

Great post!I most definitely agree.Now,if we could just do something about Pat Robertson and his dumb-ass mouth.....

Wildhair said...

You sure know how to close out a post, Mr. 1982!