Saturday, June 05, 2010

Palin Logic or Why Armando Galarraga Owes Jim Joyce A Corvette

Today on Facebook, renowned author, agent-provocateur and whatever-else-it-is-she-does-for-a-living-these-days Sarah Palin blamed environmentalists for the disaster that continues to develop in the Gulf of Mexico:
"This is a message to extreme “environmentalists” who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore...With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous. Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas." -- Sara Palin (the complete, unedited message can be found here)

What she's basically saying is that the stupid hypocrites who call themselves environmentalists with their misguided concern for places like the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge have left poor American oil companies' hands tied and forced dirty foreigners to head out to deep water without regulation or rudimentary fail-safe measures. See? If the dumb, caribou-lovin' hippies hadn't gotten involved, this never, ever would have happened, we wouldn't have to look at unpleasant pictures of oil-soaked pelicans and we could still enjoy Clams Casino for less than $10 a pop. I think the Latin term for this kind of logic is cum hoc ergo propter and can be expressed as 'A occurs in correlation with B, therefore, A causes, I don't know, U or ¥ or the number 7 or something'. You can very easily apply this principle of logic in your own life:
  • Did you get fired for looking at porn on the job? It's your employer's fault for not blocking those sites on the internet.
  • Did you forget to pick up your kid after Little League practice? It's Budweiser's fault for being so cold and refreshing.
  • Did the electric company turn off your power because you didn't pay your bill? It's the government's fault for making money legal tender to purchase Budweiser and porn.
In baseball, this logic would dictate that Detroit Tigers "pitcher" Armando Galarraga owes umpire Jim Joyce an apology and a new car. Because if Galarraga had given up some hits in the 3rd or 4th inning, maybe walk a guy or two or even just hit one lousy batter in the ass, he wouldn't have put Joyce in a position of having to make a call in the 9th inning with two outs and a perfect game on the line. It's really rather selfish of Galarraga, if you think about it (at least if you think about it the way Sarah Palin apparently thinks about things).

2 comments:

Rupe said...

Brilliant!

Why, it's Clark! said...

Aw shucks.